Working in old age: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 7.0

There is a popular view that older people should continue their work in old age if they are able to do so. I do share the same opinion, as the elderly often have a burning desire to work as well, and they are highly likely not to want to rely on their children in their old age.

One primary reason for the statement is that older people often have a burning desire to work. The majority of the elderly often want to continue to work even after their retirement. This is because they may feel boring when they stay at home during the all day due to not communicating with someone else. In contrast, they can talk with their colleagues when they commute to work, thereby encouraging most older individuals to work in old ages. An illustration of this can be many professors worldwide as they often continue carrying out researches in their old ages.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne primary reason supporting this view is that older people often have a burning desire to work.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the following ideas.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedMany elderly individuals wish to continue working even after retirement.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis is because they may feel bored when they stay at home all day due to a lack of communication with others.

   The revised sentence uses the correct adjective 'bored' instead of 'boring' and provides a more natural phrasing.

4. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn contrast, they appreciate the opportunity to interact with their colleagues at work, which encourages many older individuals to continue working in old age.

   The revised sentence provides a more natural and clear phrasing.

Another crucial reason for this trend is that the elderly often do not want relying on their children. Most people in contemporary society tend to take care of the old members of their family such as their parents. The elderly, however, generally do not want to spend money earned by their children while there is a opportunity to earn it on their own by working. This can lead to encourage the elderly to work in their old age. Uzbekistan, a country where old members of the family often try to continue their work after a retirement, can be a prominent example.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThe elderly, however, generally prefer to maintain their independence and not rely on their children for financial support, which can motivate them to continue working.

   The revised sentence provides a more natural and clear phrasing.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis can encourage the elderly to continue working in their old age.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedUzbekistan, where it is common for older family members to continue working after retirement, is a notable example.

   The revised sentence provides a more natural and clear phrasing.

To conclude, I am convinced that it is better for old people to work in their old age. This is because they can avoid feeling isolated or boring and do not rely on their children's budget, which they often do not want by doing so.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, I am convinced that old people should be given the opportunity to work in their old age.

   The revised sentence provides a more effective closure to the essay.