Working in old age: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0

The question of continuing a career in old ages has long been a topic of debate, with some individuals believing it would be better if elderly people work in their profession as they can be a role model for young employees. However, in my opinion, it is important to old workers to retire their job, because in our contemporary and overcrowded world workplaces becoming limited.

Proponents of working after retiring age often highlight elder workers’ teaching to younger ones as a benefit. It is clear that individuals who have over 30 years of working experience can be a good role model for new employees, and when those elderlies do not give up their career even in their 60s, it would be a great motivation for new individuals on career ladder to become determined and hard-working. As a result, not only older individuals who are still working live better life compared to their other peers, as they spend time with teaching in team-working atmosphere and get higher salaries, but also new graduated workers benefit from getting crucial knowledge about their profession.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne argument put forward is that older workers can serve as mentors to younger employees, thereby providing a valuable learning opportunity.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise statement of the argument, improving the overall coherence of the essay.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAs a result, not only do older individuals who are still working live a better life compared to their peers, as they spend time teaching in a team-working atmosphere and earn higher salaries, but also newer graduates benefit from gaining crucial knowledge about their profession.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error, improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

However, in my view, this development has concerning sides, including lack of workplace. Put it simply, our world becoming so fast-paced that competition in every fields of life becoming skyrocketed, lacking workplaces. In this condition, it is old employees who are still occupying places in the jobs that is one of the main causes of this negative trend. for example, in Uzbekistan, huge number of school teachers are older than 60, occupying most of new teachers’ places. As a consequence, many new graduates of this field are now working in constructions in Russia, albeit have diploma and Bachelor’s degree. Therefore, it is important to every person to retire in the retiring age.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, I believe that this trend can have negative consequences, including a lack of available workspaces.

   The revised sentence provides a more precise and coherent statement of the point being made.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn simple terms, our world is becoming so fast-paced that competition in every field of life is skyrocketing, leading to a lack of workplaces.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error, improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn this context, it is older employees occupying a significant number of jobs that is one of the main causes of this negative trend.

   The revised sentence uses more precise and effective vocabulary, improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedTherefore, it is important for every individual to retire at the age of retirement.

   The revised sentence uses more precise and effective vocabulary, improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

In conclusion, although workers who have 35+ years of experience can be good role models for new staff, they are more likely to have disadvantages to newly graduates, since those elderly people are lacking the workplaces in all professions.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while experienced workers may serve as good role models, they can also pose challenges for new graduates, particularly in terms of competition for available jobs.

   The revised sentence provides a more coherent and concise conclusion, summarizing the main points made in the essay.