Working in old age: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 7.0

There a view that continuing to work at even old ages is good, when it is possible for elderly people with their health. While older people play a crucial role in the development of any business with their valuable experience on their profession, I believe that they often fail to understand advanced technologies and can not manage to energetic enough to complete tasks. What older people can benefit for their workplace is the high level of experience they gained throughout years. This means that working with experienced people is the best of guiding newcomers. Never can we see a person who start their work with enough experience, even when they are skilled enough and have a number of qualifications. At that times, it is experience on older workers that can be unbelievably significant for understanding the high and lows of the work. For instance, according to some trustworthy statistics, companies with higher level of old workers are less willingly to fire their new stuff, as older ones help them on approaching and fixing problems to younger ones. Therefore, it may be a quit beneficial to keep older people in the workplaces. However, enabling advanced technologies and integration of AI (artificial intelligence) platforms on workplaces makes it hard for older people to stay on their work at such age. Gone are the days when all documents were saved in paper sheets, now these paper works are tranferring into computers in order to save them for a long time and to make it easy to edit in long run. Since older people are not skilled enough to use these technologies, it is far more better to attract more IT skilled younger workers instead of old ones. By approaching this practise, most workplaces can boost their productivity as young workers are good enough skilled on using modern technologies. Tesla, for example, fired about 80% of company workers, keeping only high-tech workers. Not only did this practise cut their expenses, but it also boost their teamwork and productivity at work, as it is easier to monitor and interact with less people at workplaces. Another main disadvantage of urging old people to stay at work is their problems with the level of enery required to accomplish the work they had. Most old people are tend to have a number of diseases as they age, making it hard to keep energy during the whole day. Additionally, as a person ages, he or she naturally becomes less focused, affecting their productivity at work that is energy demanding. Therefore, natural age-related health problems on old workers negatively effect any type of business, so counting them as a main workforce may lead to the failure. In conclusion, although one of the most valuable thing at any job is experience that old people have, there are many more other requirements for staying at work, such as ability to work with computers and having enough energy to stay in the same level with others at work. For these reasons, it is far more beneficial for companies to hire more energetic and technologically skilled workers in order to stay in global market.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOlder people bring a wealth of experience to the workplace, which can be beneficial.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear, and it uses a more appropriate verb (bring) to show the relationship between older people and their experience.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTherefore, it can be quite beneficial to keep older people in the workplace.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear, and it corrects the typo in the original sentence.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedGone are the days of paper documents, as digital files now replace them, allowing for easier and more efficient editing in the long run.

   The revised sentence is more natural and fluent, and it uses more precise language to convey the same meaning.

4. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedBy adopting this approach, workplaces can significantly boost their productivity, as younger workers are often more skilled in using modern technologies.

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and it uses a more appropriate verb (adopting) to show the relationship between the approach and the outcome.

5. Lexical resource

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   RevisedMost elderly people tend to suffer from numerous ailments, which can make it challenging to maintain energy throughout the day.

   The revised sentence is more natural and fluent, and it uses more precise language to convey the same meaning.