Working in old age: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
291 words. Marked by Axiom on 1 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2291 words
It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age, if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?
Steve Jobs can be a good point in case. Another reason why old people should be allowed to work is because it helps them to stay healthy. Continuing to work can help them to maintain a physically active lifestyle, which reduces the chances of them ending up with different kinds of health problems such as obesity and osteoporosis.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThere are several reasons why elderly people working, without any limitations, can be considered a good practice.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the essay's focus.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFirstly, some individuals are so deeply committed to their work that they cannot envision a life without it.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHe was literally deeply involved in his work until he died from cancer.
The revised sentence corrects the verb tense error.
Lexical resource
RevisedHe continued to work on new ideas and technologies, even in his final days.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocationally appropriate.
That being said, however, life is not all about working, as old people should enjoy their lives and leave their positions to younger generations.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt is obvious that it can be challenging to focus on or engage in hobbies while maintaining an active work schedule.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity of the idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis is why elderly individuals should consider retiring at the prescribed retirement age to prioritize personal fulfillment and hobbies.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWorking late in life can prevent them from enjoying their hobbies, leading to a life filled with unfulfilled desires.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Lexical resource
RevisedFurthermore, keeping elderly individuals in the workforce can contribute to high unemployment rates among the younger generation.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis may hinder young people's goals and life plans.
The revised sentence is more precise and collocationally appropriate.
In conclusion, it is true that some people are so passionate about their job and never think of retiring; also, it can assist in staying fit, yet old people should step aside, as there is a younger generation whose eyes are on their position, and working all life long can limit them from focusing on the things that they enjoy.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
- Use more linking words to connect ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere are several reasons why elderly people working, without any limitations, can be considered a good practice.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the essay's focus.
RevisedFirstly, some individuals are so deeply committed to their work that they cannot envision a life without it.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedThis is why elderly individuals should consider retiring at the prescribed retirement age to prioritize personal fulfillment and hobbies.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and is generally grammatically accurate. However, there are a few minor errors that could be addressed. For example, in the sentence, "He kept working on new ideas and technologies even in his final days," the verb tense should be past perfect rather than simple past, as the action is completed in the past.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHe was literally deeply involved in his work until he died from cancer.
The revised sentence corrects the verb tense error.
RevisedIt is obvious that it can be challenging to focus on or engage in hobbies while maintaining an active work schedule.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity of the idea.
RevisedWorking late in life can prevent them from enjoying their hobbies, leading to a life filled with unfulfilled desires.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "old people working with no limit" could be rephrased as "elderly people continuing to work indefinitely," and "pass away with a bunch of regrets" is a somewhat informal and dramatic phrasing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHe continued to work on new ideas and technologies, even in his final days.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocationally appropriate.
RevisedFurthermore, keeping elderly individuals in the workforce can contribute to high unemployment rates among the younger generation.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedThis may hinder young people's goals and life plans.
The revised sentence is more precise and collocationally appropriate.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both the reasons some elderly people may continue to work and the reasons they should be encouraged to retire. The writer presents a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the essay would benefit from a more detailed exploration of the potential benefits and drawbacks of elderly employment.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Develop your arguments more fully to provide a more comprehensive discussion of the topic.
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