Working in old age: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
327 words. Marked by Axiom on 28 June 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2327 words
It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age , if it possible for them to do so . Do you agree or disagree?
Some people think that elderly individuals should keep working even after they reach retirement age, if they are still healthy and able to do the job . They believe it helps them stay active and useful. However I think completely disagree with this idea . I think older people should enjoy their retirement instead of working longer , because working at an old age can cause problems for both them and other at work .
This can slow down the work and even cost the company more money . Also , when older people stay in their jobs , if can make it harder for younger people to find work .
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne reason why elderly people should not work is because there should be limits on the working age.
The revised sentence is more coherent and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAs people get older, their bodies and minds become weaker.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis means they may not work as efficiently as before.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFor example, older workers may easily lose focus and struggle to remember tasks.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and the ideas are expressed more clearly.
Lexical resource
RevisedRetirement is also a time for rest and elderly people should be given the opportunity to relax after many years of working.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Another problem is age bias and its effects on the workplace. Older workers have lots of experience ,but younger workers often bring new ideas and skills, such as using modern technology and solving problems in creativity ways .If senior employees never leave , young people might not het a chance to grow and show their talents .
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIf companies keep older workers for too long, it may lead to unfair treatment of younger workers.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis can create a workplace that lacks new energy and fresh thinking.
The revised sentence is more coherent and clear.
The having a balance between work and rest is important for staying healthy and helping workers grow .
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, I believe that people should not continue working when they are old, as it is better for both the elderly and the workplace if they retire on time.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the ideas are connected more clearly.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the argument less fluid. Additionally, there are some issues with coherence, as the connection between ideas can be unclear. More explicit signposting language could help guide the reader through the essay and improve overall coherence.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent and appropriate.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne reason why elderly people should not work is because there should be limits on the working age.
The revised sentence is more coherent and clear.
RevisedThis can create a workplace that lacks new energy and fresh thinking.
The revised sentence is more coherent and clear.
RevisedIn conclusion, I believe that people should not continue working when they are old, as it is better for both the elderly and the workplace if they retire on time.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the ideas are connected more clearly.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds interest and variety. However, there are some grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes, which can affect the overall clarity and readability of the essay. Proofreading is recommended to correct these errors and improve the overall quality of the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAs people get older, their bodies and minds become weaker.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct.
RevisedFor example, older workers may easily lose focus and struggle to remember tasks.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and the ideas are expressed more clearly.
RevisedIf companies keep older workers for too long, it may lead to unfair treatment of younger workers.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice, which can detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay. Additionally, the use of more formal language could be improved to better suit the academic context.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne reason why elderly people should not work is because there should be limits on the working age.
The correct phrase is 'one reason' not 'on reason'.
RevisedThis means they may not work as efficiently as before.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
RevisedRetirement is also a time for rest and elderly people should be given the opportunity to relax after many years of working.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic directly and takes a clear position, which is good. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay would benefit from a more thorough exploration of the counter-argument and a more detailed discussion of the reasons behind the position taken.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your argument.
- Consider addressing potential counter-arguments to strengthen your position.
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