Working in old age: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
251 words. Marked by Axiom on 3 August 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2251 words
It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old ages if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?
To continue working is a good idea for older if they are able to do so. I agree with this approach as working can help them to prevent boredom and they may be physically active.
Some of them need some entertainment activities. Choosing basic jobs such as receptionist can be quite appropriate job for them, because such jobs are not much physically demanding. They can communicate with clients.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThere are several reasons why, if it is possible, elderly individuals may choose to work continuously.
The revision provides a clearer and more concise statement of the main idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne primary reason is that many elderly people live alone and may experience boredom.
The revision provides a more specific and clear explanation of the primary reason.
Lexical resource
RevisedBy working as much as possible, they can prevent boredom, as work provides opportunities for social interaction with colleagues.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
Working in a garden is good example for this. Gardening is very common activity among the elderly. By working there, they will be physically active and it plays a crucial role in their health. In addition, there is fresh air because of many plants and trees. They may not face some allergies like asthma and like that.
Lexical resource
RevisedMoreover, jobs that are not physically demanding can also be very beneficial for the health of the older generation.
The revision provides a more clear and concise statement of the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn the garden, they grow plants and care for them.
The revision corrects the misuse of the preposition and provides a more natural expression of the idea.
To conclude, working contentiously is a good approach for older individuals if it is possible for them, as they can prevent getting bored by communicating others and it may be very beneficial for their health especially when they work in a garden.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences in the paragraph relate to this topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere are several reasons why, if it is possible, elderly individuals may choose to work continuously.
The revision provides a clearer and more concise statement of the main idea.
RevisedOne primary reason is that many elderly people live alone and may experience boredom.
The revision provides a more specific and clear explanation of the primary reason.
RevisedIn conclusion, working diligently can be a beneficial approach for older individuals, provided it is feasible.
The revision provides a more formal and appropriate conclusion for an academic essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction. The essay contains a number of grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. These include issues with punctuation, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. For example, "They may not face some allergies like asthma and like that" is awkward and unclear. Paying closer attention to grammar, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using a wider range of grammatical constructions will enhance the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedTo continue working is a good idea for the elderly, if they are able to do so.
The revision corrects the misuse of the determiner and provides a more natural expression of the idea.
RevisedIn addition, they are exposed to fresh air due to the abundance of plants and trees.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
RevisedThey can prevent boredom, as work provides opportunities for interaction with colleagues.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "Choosing basic jobs such as receptionist can be quite appropriate job for them" is awkward and repetitive. Refining the choice of words and ensuring correct spelling and grammar will improve the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, using a wider variety of more formal and academic language will enhance the quality of the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedBy working as much as possible, they can prevent boredom, as work provides opportunities for social interaction with colleagues.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
RevisedMoreover, jobs that are not physically demanding can also be very beneficial for the health of the older generation.
The revision provides a more clear and concise statement of the idea.
RevisedIn the garden, they grow plants and care for them.
The revision corrects the misuse of the preposition and provides a more natural expression of the idea.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the benefits of older individuals continuing to work, such as preventing boredom and staying physically active. The writer presents a clear position and supports it with relevant reasons. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples and by addressing potential counterarguments. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. Ensuring that each argument is fully developed and supported will enhance the overall quality of the essay. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments will provide a more balanced and nuanced perspective.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced perspective.
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