University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
266 words. Marked by Axiom on 13 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2266 words
Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
After finishing school some people are going to study at university or college but some people decide to get a job straightaway. In this essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion.
Why people should study at university?
Because people want to get a higher education and gain knowledge and practical skills, which helps them to get a good job and earn high salary. Having a higher education can open many opportunities for them, they can work in high positions but to achieve this, they will have to study and work hard.
Lexical resource
RevisedToday, the number of students is increasing in each country.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedPeople who have studied and graduated from universities often command more respect and authority.
This revision improves the flow of the sentence and makes it more concise.
Lexical resource
RevisedReasons why some people choose to start working instead of pursuing university studies.
The revised sentence is more accurate and natural in terms of word choice.
After finishing school some people have to start working without studying at university due to the lack of money for education or due to the unwillingness to study.
A big plus is if a person starts working after finishing school, he or she can earn money in at such a young age which helps them to be financially independent. Working improves their communication skills, which can help them at their work also they are more independent and confident.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, it also presents certain opportunities.
The revised sentence provides a clearer link to the previous point and uses a more formal tone.
It only depends on a person's desire and effort.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while everyone can achieve their goals, each person follows a unique life path, and success depends on their individual effort and determination.
The revised sentence is more concise and provides a clearer link to the previous points made in the essay.
Lexical resource
RevisedI believe that securing a high-paying job is possible regardless of whether one has graduated from a university.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and sounds more formal.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is well-structured, with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion. You use clear topic sentences to introduce each paragraph. However, the cohesion between ideas could be improved with more varied transitional phrases and clearer links between sentences. For example, in the second body paragraph, the transition from discussing the benefits of university education to addressing the alternative path of starting work could be smoother.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your writing.
- Make sure that each paragraph is clearly linked to the next.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedPeople who have studied and graduated from universities often command more respect and authority.
This revision improves the flow of the sentence and makes it more concise.
RevisedHowever, it also presents certain opportunities.
The revised sentence provides a clearer link to the previous point and uses a more formal tone.
RevisedIn conclusion, while everyone can achieve their goals, each person follows a unique life path, and success depends on their individual effort and determination.
The revised sentence is more concise and provides a clearer link to the previous points made in the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are some sentences that could be more concise and clear. The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure, with a variety of sentence types used effectively. There are minor errors that could be addressed, such as the use of "people" and "person" interchangeably, which may cause some confusion. Additionally, the use of more complex sentence structures could enhance your writing. For example, in the sentence, "Today, number of students is increasing in each country," a more accurate structure would be, "Today, the number of students in each country is increasing."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedToday, the number of students in each country is increasing.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate.
RevisedI believe that individuals who have studied at and graduated from universities often command respect and authority.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and sounds more formal.
RevisedIn conclusion, while everyone has the potential to achieve their goals, the path to success for each individual is unique, and is dependent on their own efforts and circumstances.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and sounds more formal.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. Your vocabulary is appropriate and varied, with terms like "financially independent," "communication skills," and "high positions." To further improve, consider using a wider range of academic vocabulary and more precise terms to articulate your ideas more clearly. Additionally, be mindful of word choice to ensure accuracy and clarity. For example, instead of "at such a young age," you could say "at an early age."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedToday, the number of students is increasing in each country.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice.
RevisedReasons why some people choose to start working instead of pursuing university studies.
The revised sentence is more accurate and natural in terms of word choice.
RevisedI believe that securing a high-paying job is possible regardless of whether one has graduated from a university.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and sounds more formal.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. You have addressed the task by discussing both viewpoints and providing your opinion. However, the discussion could be more balanced, with each viewpoint explored in equal depth. Additionally, the inclusion of specific examples or data to support your points could strengthen your argument. For example, you could discuss specific career paths that may be more accessible with a university education versus those that may be more accessible without a university degree.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph is focused and well-developed.
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