University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #8, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
241 words. Marked by Axiom on 29 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2241 words
Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
These days it is said by many individuals that, people should study at university or college after school for their future, while others say that, it is better to find a job.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn my personal opinion, it is crucial for children to pursue higher education at university or college after completing school.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Due to the fact that, they have own house, car and other properties, if people supply enough money. As they have work exprience and as a result, after graduating university, they can find a new job in a very easy way.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThere are several reasons why finding a job after school can benefit young people's future, and one of them is the opportunity to improve their quality of life through earning money.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and precision of the message.
Lexical resource
RevisedMoreover, this situation could be advantageous for those who aspire to study further.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Since, unless you do this, you can not apply to many jobs. Such as, it is impossible to become a teacher, doctor or lawyer without further education degree.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, I am of the belief that pursuing higher education after secondary school is of utmost importance.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAdditionally, individuals with an educational degree typically earn more than others, and given the rising levels of unemployment, it may be very challenging to secure a job without a qualification from a university or college.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and precision of the message.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while gaining employment immediately after school may have its benefits, pursuing further education is ultimately the better option.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and concise conclusion, and the transition between ideas is smoother.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's opinion.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and clearly state your opinion.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn my personal opinion, it is crucial for children to pursue higher education at university or college after completing school.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedConversely, I am of the belief that pursuing higher education after secondary school is of utmost importance.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedIn conclusion, while gaining employment immediately after school may have its benefits, pursuing further education is ultimately the better option.
The revised sentence provides a more clear and concise conclusion, and the transition between ideas is smoother.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction that could be revised for clarity and precision. The essay demonstrates a good control of a wide range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction that could be revised for clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere are several reasons why finding a job after school can benefit young people's future, and one of them is the opportunity to improve their quality of life through earning money.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and precision of the message.
RevisedAdditionally, individuals with an educational degree typically earn more than others, and given the rising levels of unemployment, it may be very challenging to secure a job without a qualification from a university or college.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and precision of the message.
RevisedIn conclusion, while working immediately after school may have its benefits, it is generally better to pursue further education instead of immediately entering the workforce.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and precision of the message.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn my view, it is imperative for children to pursue higher education at university or college after completing school.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedIn conclusion, while gaining employment immediately after school may have its benefits, pursuing further education is ultimately the preferable option.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedMoreover, this situation could be advantageous for those who aspire to study further.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic and presents a clear position, but the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well supported by the rest of the essay.
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