University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
255 words. Marked by Axiom on 11 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2255 words
Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views.
Many individuals think that graduating university/college is the best way to achieve success in the future, while others believe that they should work after finishing school.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedBoth perspectives have their merits and demerits, in my view.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone.
If people pass this renitant stages, they will not have any kinds of challenges. For example, one of the best universities in the world, Harvard, the most intelligent people studying in this university, many of them graduating and getting jobs with high amount of salary.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedOn the one hand, studying at universities abroad can be difficult as it may require working simultaneously, leading to issues such as financial constraints and academic pressure.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and accuracy of the language used.
Lexical resource
RevisedAs a result, this can lead to issues such as depression and insomnia.
The revised sentence corrects the incorrect use of 'have an' and improves the accuracy of the language used.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedMost people who graduate from university are often successful.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and accuracy of the language used.
In addition, people should learn occupation and this can be beneficial for themselves.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, gaining employment immediately after school also has its advantages, such as the opportunity to earn money sooner.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, and the point is more clearly and fully explained.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHowever, if they switch professions after a few years of work, they may face significant challenges in their lifetime.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and accuracy of the language used.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, around the world, there are many people who, due to lack of education, have become or are becoming homeless.
The revised sentence corrects the incorrect use of 'did not study at schools and at universities' and improves the accuracy of the language used.
I believe that studying at universities beneficial for everyone and this help them to build successful career in their life.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while some argue that university education is the most reliable path to success, others contend that gaining employment immediately after school is more beneficial.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, and the point is more clearly and fully explained.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's opinion.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and clearly state your opinion.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedBoth perspectives have their merits and demerits, in my view.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone.
RevisedOn the other hand, gaining employment immediately after school also has its advantages, such as the opportunity to earn money sooner.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, and the point is more clearly and fully explained.
RevisedIn conclusion, while some argue that university education is the most reliable path to success, others contend that gaining employment immediately after school is more beneficial.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone, and the point is more clearly and fully explained.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, punctuation and spelling. However, these errors do not generally impede communication. The essay uses a variety of complex and simple sentence structures and shows a good understanding of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some errors in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure that can be distracting. Additionally, there are some spelling errors that could be corrected to improve overall clarity.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, studying at universities abroad can be difficult as it may require working simultaneously, leading to issues such as financial constraints and academic pressure.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and accuracy of the language used.
RevisedMost people who graduate from university are often successful.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and accuracy of the language used.
RevisedHowever, if they switch professions after a few years of work, they may face significant challenges in their lifetime.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity and accuracy of the language used.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedStudying at universities abroad can be challenging, as it may lead to issues such as financial constraints and academic pressure.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the accuracy of the language used.
RevisedAs a result, this can lead to issues such as depression and insomnia.
The revised sentence corrects the incorrect use of 'have an' and improves the accuracy of the language used.
RevisedFor instance, around the world, there are many people who, due to lack of education, have become or are becoming homeless.
The revised sentence corrects the incorrect use of 'did not study at schools and at universities' and improves the accuracy of the language used.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear personal opinion. However, the discussion could be more fully developed with additional supporting details and specific examples. The conclusion could also be more effective in summarizing the main points and restating the writer's position.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well-developed.
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