University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 7.0

There is an argument about the importance of a university degree whether it can lead to success in a career or not. There are not only many successful businessmen who did not study at college, but also today many jobs do not require a degree. However, I believe that university can give students a broad range of knowledge and networking opportunities, if not more so.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, I believe that university can provide students with a broad range of knowledge and networking opportunities, and possibly even more.

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Admittedly, university is not the only path to a successful career since one's success is determined by many factors such as hard work, determination and a willingness to take a risk. Taking Steve Jobs as an example, he dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months. However, he started Apple in his parents' garage at the age of 20 and today it is one of the biggest companies in the world, which is worth billions of dollars. Furthermore, many jobs are in the field of technology and business which need real-world experience and skills more than a formal education. Entrepreneurs, for example, do not have to attend university, instead they should have qualities like being able to take risks.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAdmittedly, a university education is not the only path to a successful career; success can also be achieved through hard work, determination, and a willingness to take risks.

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2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedTaking Steve Jobs as an example, he dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months of study.

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3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedEntrepreneurs, for example, may not need a university education; instead, they should possess qualities such as risk-taking abilities.

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and the term 'risk-taking abilities' is more formal.

Despite the arguments above, I still maintain that college can play an important role in career success due to specific skills and knowledge as well as connections that it provides. Studying at university, one can acquire a lot of skills and knowledge related to their chosen fields. Teachers at university can give students many things like advice. Moreover, many students work on research projects with professors or intern which can give them an opportunity to gain connections. A software engineer student, for example, may gain experience, meet new peers, friends and professionals during their internship and that can lead to better job opportunities after graduating.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedDespite the aforementioned arguments, I maintain that a college education can play a significant role in career success, as it provides specific skills and knowledge, as well as valuable networking opportunities.

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2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedMoreover, many students work on research projects with professors or intern, which can provide them with networking opportunities.

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3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor instance, a student studying to be a software engineer may gain experience, meet new peers, and network with professionals during their internship, which can lead to better job opportunities after graduation.

   The revised sentence is more formal and the term 'network with professionals' is more appropriate.

In conclusion, the best route to career success is thought to be studying at college, while others feel that attending university is not essential. Nevertheless, I believe, even though university is not the only way to a successful career, it can give students some advantages as mentioned above.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while some believe that studying at college is the best route to career success, others feel that attending university is not essential.

   The revised sentence is more formal and the ideas are connected more effectively.