University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #12, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
396 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 March 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2396 words
Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Some people think that to succeed in their career, getting a job straight after graduating from school is the best path to choose.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWhile I acknowledge that working straight after school may have potential benefits, I still believe that higher education is far more important.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the writer's opinion.
Firstly, it is clear that to have a successful career, getting a job and gaining valuable experience is so crucial. Another advantage of having a job after school is that considering the financial side, most people believe that tuition fees are just a waste of money or can be reinvested to learn and practice something new, and any kind of profession can be learned within a shorter period of time and money. For example, any profession or skill can be mastered in 6 month of hard work. It is for these reasons that some people find getting a job more helpful than higher education.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSeveral reasons support the idea of starting work at an early age, post-secondary education, being better than university education.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is because, with many applicants vying for top positions and good salaries, companies tend to prefer experienced workers over fresh graduates with diplomas.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more natural phrasing.
Lexical resource
RevisedThus, taking a job straight after school can help individuals discover their preferred field of work and gain experience, as they have significantly more time to practice than university students.
The revision provides a clearer and more natural phrasing.
While practicing can benefit students in a range of ways, in universities students enhance thier skills like critical thinking and problem-solving thanks to well-qualified and experienced professors, which can benefit them in the long term.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, I believe that pursuing university education is a more effective path towards a successful career, despite the arguments in favor of working straight after secondary education.
The revision provides a clearer transition from the discussion of the two viewpoints to the writer's opinion.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThis is because they have extensive experience dealing with a variety of students and challenges.
The revision provides a clearer and more concise expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedFurthermore, university graduates typically enjoy higher salaries and better job prospects due to their strong CVs and the expertise gained during their studies.
The revised sentence uses more natural phrasing and collocation.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt is not only difficult to get a job in medicine or teaching without the necessary qualifications, but also poses risks to society in the future.
The revision provides a more accurate and clear expression.
Though both paths have merits, in my opinion a degree remains the more reliable choice for long-term success.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while gaining work experience after school offers immediate financial benefits, university education equips individuals with essential skills and opens up better job opportunities in the long term.
The revised sentence provides a clearer comparison between the two options.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer's opinion, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The body paragraphs each discuss a single point of view, but the connection between these points could be made clearer with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. More explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay and improve overall coherence.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
- Ensure that the conclusion fully summarizes the points made in the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSeveral reasons support the idea of starting work at an early age, post-secondary education, being better than university education.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
RevisedHowever, I believe that pursuing university education is a more effective path towards a successful career, despite the arguments in favor of working straight after secondary education.
The revision provides a clearer transition from the discussion of the two viewpoints to the writer's opinion.
RevisedIn conclusion, while gaining work experience after school offers immediate financial benefits, university education equips individuals with essential skills and opens up better job opportunities in the long term.
The revised sentence provides a clearer comparison between the two options.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence construction. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of grammatical structures, but there are a few errors that could be corrected for clarity. For example, the phrase "it is for these reason that some people find getting a job more helpful than higher education" should be "it is for these reasons that some people find getting a job more helpful than higher education." Ensuring subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions would also improve the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay. Additionally, the use of more varied sentence structures would enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedWhile I acknowledge that working straight after school may have potential benefits, I still believe that higher education is far more important.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the writer's opinion.
RevisedThis is because they have extensive experience dealing with a variety of students and challenges.
The revision provides a clearer and more concise expression.
RevisedIt is not only difficult to get a job in medicine or teaching without the necessary qualifications, but also poses risks to society in the future.
The revision provides a more accurate and clear expression.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. For example, the phrase "any kind of profession can be learned within a shorter period of time and money" could be rephrased as "a variety of professions can be mastered in a shorter period of time and with less financial investment." Ensuring the correct use of more formal language throughout the essay would also improve clarity and formality. Additionally, the use of more precise and varied language would enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis is because, with many applicants vying for top positions and good salaries, companies tend to prefer experienced workers over fresh graduates with diplomas.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more natural phrasing.
RevisedThus, taking a job straight after school can help individuals discover their preferred field of work and gain experience, as they have significantly more time to practice than university students.
The revision provides a clearer and more natural phrasing.
RevisedFurthermore, university graduates typically enjoy higher salaries and better job prospects due to their strong CVs and the expertise gained during their studies.
The revised sentence uses more natural phrasing and collocation.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the discussion could be more fully developed in places. The essay effectively addresses the topic by discussing both views and providing a clear personal opinion. The introduction and conclusion are well-developed and the essay uses a variety of cohesive devices effectively. However, the essay could provide more specific examples to support the arguments. The use of more precise and varied language would also enhance the overall quality of the essay.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single point.
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