University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
442 words. Marked by Axiom on 3 July 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2442 words
Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Nowadays, one of the most concerned questions by individuals is: What is the best way to achieve a delightful career? Is it important to get a bachelor's degree at a university or college after school? Or getting a job straight after senior high?
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAlthough some people believe that both options have their benefits and could be useful in their own ways, I am of the opinion that an undergraduate degree is essential for securing a successful career.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically accurate.
In other words, working at a young age can provide exceptional wisdom at some exact job that studies or courses might not be able to ensure. This results in personal improvements like confidence, determination, and the ability to make quick and right decisions at any time. Thus, this results in a happier life and prideeness so it's true that there are some fiscal problems like fares, expenses, taxes, and online subscriptions that might be alerted with enough money.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne the one hand, getting a job after school offers an experience that cannot be replaced by anything else.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis experience provides financial independence.
The word 'such' is used to refer to something previously mentioned or easily identified. In this case, the reference to the experience is not clear, so the word 'such' should be replaced with 'this'.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThis early employment leads to financial stability and avoidance of financial issues by providing an individual with a source of income.
The original sentence is unclear and awkward. The revision provides a more clear and concise explanation of the idea.
Firstly, the university and college offer specialized knowledge related to selected institutions. These specialized courses and lessons are acquired with deep knowledge of some specific fields. Secondly, tertiary enhances personal skills and self-development. In other words, such higher education fosters skills such as critical thinking, effective communication and broadens people's horizons. Additionally, studying at a university or college offers networking abilities. Though students can find lifelong friends, commands and keep in touch with sons or relatives of major figures and professors.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, despite the arguments above, I still believe that a bachelor's degree provides greater access to a prosperous career.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise.
Lexical resource
RevisedTherefore, students who successfully graduate with bachelor's degrees tend to prosper in their chosen fields of study.
The revised sentence is clearer and more natural in terms of word choice.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThese skills can help mitigate the risk of job or business failure by enhancing the ability to make sound decisions in emergency situations in various aspects of life.
The revised sentence is clearer and more grammatically accurate.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese connections can lead to future opportunities; therefore, they can positively impact problem-solving and address various issues that may arise in the future.
The original sentence is unclear and awkward. The revision provides a more clear and concise explanation of the idea.
While I believe that formal education can lay a solid foundation and provide opportunities for an adequate future.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, both paths have their merits, and the best choice often depends on individual circumstances and goals.
The phrase 'it is true that' is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and conciseness.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion that restates your position. You use a range of cohesive devices effectively ("On the one hand," "In other words," "Additionally"), which helps to guide the reader through your argument. Each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, which enhances the clarity and coherence of your response. To improve further, consider linking the two main bodies more explicitly to your opinion, perhaps by discussing how the skills and knowledge gained through a bachelor's program are superior or more relevant in the long term.
Suggestions
- Consider using more linking words to improve the transition between ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne the one hand, getting a job after school offers an experience that cannot be replaced by anything else.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic.
RevisedOn the other hand, despite the arguments above, I still believe that a bachelor's degree provides greater access to a prosperous career.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise.
RevisedIn conclusion, both paths have their merits, and the best choice often depends on individual circumstances and goals.
The phrase 'it is true that' is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and conciseness.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. The essay showcases a variety of sentence structures, from simple to complex, and you effectively convey your ideas with a high degree of grammatical accuracy. Minor errors are present but do not significantly detract from the clarity or readability of your writing. To enhance your grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex grammatical structures, such as passive constructions or conditional sentences, where appropriate, to show a higher level of proficiency.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAlthough some people believe that both options have their benefits and could be useful in their own ways, I am of the opinion that an undergraduate degree is essential for securing a successful career.
The revised sentence is more natural and grammatically accurate.
RevisedThis early employment leads to financial stability and avoidance of financial issues by providing an individual with a source of income.
The original sentence is unclear and awkward. The revision provides a more clear and concise explanation of the idea.
RevisedThese skills can help mitigate the risk of job or business failure by enhancing the ability to make sound decisions in emergency situations in various aspects of life.
The revised sentence is clearer and more grammatically accurate.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. You demonstrate a good command of vocabulary, with a variety of terms related to education, career development, and personal growth. Your use of terminology is generally appropriate and contributes to a clear and formal style. There are a few instances where word choice could be improved for precision and formality ("evasion of money-wise issues" could be rephrased as "mitigation of financial concerns," "get bags" is unclear). Additionally, be mindful of using idiomatic language inappropriately (e.g., "prideeness" should be "pride" or "sense of pride").
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis experience provides financial independence.
The word 'such' is used to refer to something previously mentioned or easily identified. In this case, the reference to the experience is not clear, so the word 'such' should be replaced with 'this'.
RevisedTherefore, students who successfully graduate with bachelor's degrees tend to prosper in their chosen fields of study.
The revised sentence is clearer and more natural in terms of word choice.
RevisedThese connections can lead to future opportunities; therefore, they can positively impact problem-solving and address various issues that may arise in the future.
The original sentence is unclear and awkward. The revision provides a more clear and concise explanation of the idea.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively and provides a clear position throughout the response. You address the topic by discussing the merits of both obtaining a job straight after high school and pursuing a university education, before clearly stating your own preference for the latter. Your position is well-supported with relevant arguments that demonstrate an understanding of the topic. To enhance your response, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support your claims, such as data on employment rates for degree holders versus those with only a high school education.
Suggestions
- Consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments.
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