University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 6.5

It is believed that in order to gain career with huge success, people should study at higher education while the same is true for starting work after graduating school. While there are some benefits of getting a job after graduation, I argue that going to tertiary education can help to be more successful.

In my opinion, working after school can be beneficial and more interesting for young people. Firstly, when school children finish their studies at school, they believe that studying university or college are seemed to be the long years of education. As a result, some of the alumni are more likely to start their working-life experience to make their livings and help their parents. Furthermore, having university diploma requires a big amount of money to pay for the annum tuition and cost of attendance such as food, housing, transportation and books. Then the students who fail to pay these costs annually tend to quit their studies, and they try to make themselves self-employed.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn my opinion, working after school can be beneficial and more engaging for young people.

   The word 'interesting' is not the most appropriate choice in this context. The word 'engaging' would be more suitable.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedStudents who are unable to meet these costs often end up dropping out and pursuing self-employment.

   The phrase 'then the students who fail to pay these costs annually' is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate language.

However, above-mentioned advantages of working after school, I believe that teenagers who have finished higher education have more potential to become self-made professional. Graduating from universities or colleges would lead to better job stability and pay as these youth people are accepted as knowledgeable and the best source of specific information in one particular area. Moreover, on top of these benefits of the higher levels of education is that the person with qualification and diploma in a field is less likely to experience lower rates of unemployment. For example, the university graduates hardly faced to find work according to their diploma and 90% of these students successfully started their works in the companies or in the educational institutions.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, despite the advantages of working after school, I believe that teenagers who have finished higher education have more potential to become self-made professionals.

   The phrase 'above-mentioned advantages of working after school' is awkward and unclear. It should be revised to 'despite the advantages of working after school' to improve clarity and cohesion.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedMoreover, on top of these benefits, individuals with qualifications and diplomas are less likely to experience unemployment.

   The sentence is long and the use of 'on top of these benefits' is a bit awkward. The sentence should be revised to improve clarity and cohesion.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor example, university graduates often find work related to their field of study, with 90% of these students securing positions in companies or educational institutions.

   The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate language.

In conclusion, whereas working before going to university have its positive sides, in my opinion, acquire academic knowledge will create more chances to be a good staff.