University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #23, band 6.5

People have different views as to whether the key to success is studying at university or college or beginning to get a job after school. While both arguments play crucial role for a future success, I believe that studying at university or college provides better opportunities.

On the one hand, there are several valid arguments why starting a career path after leaving school. One main reason is that some people have different talent and if they go this path, they achieve goals faster rather than studying university. By contrast, a teenager who has a talent to fixing automobiles, started his own business after school and he might succeed earlier due to his hard work and talent. If this boy chose university and learned subjects at university for four years, he may be not improved his business or might be late to achieve his life path.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOn the one hand, there are several valid arguments for starting a career path shortly after school.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne main reason is that some people may have different talents and if they choose this path, they may achieve their goals faster than if they pursued a university education.

   The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.

On the other hand, I believe that continuing study at university or college offers many advantages for accomplishment. The first main advantage is that university degree provides long-term success. When they began to study at university or college, they have the opportunity to gain invaluable insights into different perspectives and ideas, thereby helping them build deep expertise, a thorough understanding of his field, and becoming an expert in his field. As a result, he can develop his business more efficiently and achieve sustainable better results. For instance, doctors, teachers and other professions studied at university, and they can work with high salary in their job until they reach retirement age, after that they are given retirement pension by the government.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOn the other hand, I believe that continuing studies at university or college can lead to greater accomplishments.

   The revised sentence is more natural and fluid.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThe primary advantage is that a university degree can lead to long-term success.

   The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   Reviseda thorough understanding of their field, and can become experts in their chosen field.

   The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of grammar and usage.

4. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor instance, professionals such as doctors and teachers, who have studied at a university, often earn a high salary until retirement, at which point they may receive a pension from the government.

   The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of grammar and usage.

In conclusion, although starting work after school provides a faster building a working life, studying university or college creates opportunities for long-term results.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while starting work immediately after school may provide a faster start to building a professional life, studying at a university or college clearly creates the opportunity for long-term success.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic in style.