University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #21, band 6.5

It is believed that best way of having successful career is to study in universities or colleges, while some individuals think that working after graduating school is better. I personally believe that having university degree is better because of becoming professional at work and having no difficulty to find career with high salary.

1. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedSome people believe that the best way to have a successful career is to study at universities or colleges, while others think that it is better to start working straight after graduating from school.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammar and improves the clarity of the comparison being made.

On the one hand, working after school in teenage years can actually be harmful, One of the main reasons can be being inexperienced at work. When they do not have so experience at certain jobs, they would barely find any job, all they have studied is only school program which is not enough to find suitable career. Above all only work available is job with instance labor. For example, construction workers are often people that did not studied in other universities except school and that is why they face challenges at work. Another point can be health issues. When they are working in job that requires lifting heavy things like constructer workers do, they are more likely to injure themselves during the process. They not only wear out themselves psychology but also physically. Major problem in their health for example can be damage in their spinal cord, knee joints and also shoulder. That overtime makes walking or even basic movements difficult.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedOn the one hand, working straight after school can be harmful, one main reason being their inexperience in the job market.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise statement of the argument and improves the flow between ideas.

2. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedLack of experience in certain jobs can make it challenging to find employment.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural phrasing, improving the overall clarity and readability of the essay.

3. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedAbove all, the only work available in such cases is typically manual labor.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural phrasing, improving the overall clarity and readability of the sentence.

4. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedFor example, construction workers often face challenges at work because they have not studied beyond high school.

   The revision corrects the grammatical errors in the original sentence, improving the overall clarity and readability of the essay.

5. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedAnother point to consider is the potential health issues associated with working in physically demanding jobs.

   The revision provides a more specific and clear connection to the previous point, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.

On the other hand, I believe that having degree from university can offer new opportunities including suitable occupations. Firstly, people who graduated university can work on their specific skills, which make them professional at their filed. As a result, they do not have to search for work; companies looking for employee would hire them instead. For example, students that studied in Oxford, Stanford or Harvard has a degree and learned a lot of knowledge from world’s well known professors. So because of that every company wants to have such employees. Another benefit can be working in well known workplace with high salary that everyone dreams of. As they went through hardship during late night, early morning study sessions failing over and over but still manage to handle that can be paid off by having work with salary that is beyond their expectation.

1. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedAs a result, every company wants to employ such individuals.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural phrasing, improving the overall clarity and readability of the sentence.

2. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedAdditionally, obtaining a degree can increase the likelihood of securing a high-paying job in a prestigious company.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural phrasing, improving the overall clarity and readability of the essay.

In conclusion, working without degree is harmful to overall health, while also being inexperienced to work in profitable places, whereas university can be perfect to find the best career as it offers high wage and easy way of finding job as company itself would be searching for employee.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn conclusion, while working without a degree can be harmful to one's health and job prospects, obtaining a university degree can open up better career opportunities, as it often leading to high-paying jobs where companies actively seek out qualified employees.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.