University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #26, band 6.5

While some individuals believe that studying at university or college is the best way to be successful on their job, others argue that find a job right after the school is much better. I believe that people need to study somewhere before built a career because of one main reason.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedI believe that people need to study before building a career for a significant reason.

   The revision corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the statement.

Advocates of studying assert that it offers several benefits, such as getting a better career. Many people who study nowhere mostly get a job as a waiter, seller in the store and others. However, individual who has a degree tent to find a better job in a better place, for instance, a doctor, a teacher and such things. When people work in a great atmosphere like good workplace with good colleagues, they improve their backgrounds while exchange ideas with each other. As a result, it might be kind of easy to them to move up the career ladder and get a higher salary than some who do not study.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAdvocates of education argue that it provides numerous benefits, including the opportunity to secure higher-paying and more prestigious jobs.

   The revision improves the word choice to be more precise and natural in the given context.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedWorking in a positive environment with supportive colleagues not only enhances one's professional skills, but also personal growth can be significantly achieved by exchanging ideas in such atmosphere.

   The revision improves the sentence structure and coherence, making the idea more clear and concise.

However, proponent of getting a job assert some benefits of working after graduate the school. For example, youngsters who start working in a young age will be more independent and responsible because they learn the ups and downs of life in an early age. As a result, they learn how to manage money and assist their parents. Secondly, they learn some skills faster than others. For instance, communication and problem-solving skills. These in turn might help them in the future and anytime of their life.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor example, young individuals who start working at an early age will be more independent and responsible as they experience the ups and downs of life from a younger age.

   The revision corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the statement.

To conclude, even though getting a job right after school might help to improve some skills and teach you how to be responsible and independent, I firmly believe that studying somewhere provide to have a better job.