University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #17, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
340 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 April 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2340 words
Some people believe that studying at university or collage is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.
In recent times, people have different views as to whether studying at institutions or high school can offer successful careers for school graduates or getting an occupation straight after school is the best way to an excellent life. While there are some disadvantages of not studying institutions, the advantages of this trend for several reasons, which will be given in this essay below.
There are certain upsides of working after school. When students start working after they finish their secondary school, they can earn much money, which means not only they can have their family's budget, but Another advantage is making experiences. If school graduates get a job straight after school, they naturally have to work and communicate with strangers, which leads to many errors related to their tasks. As a result, they may experience a number of terrible conditions and might improve their decision-making, problem-solving, and teamwork skills. Thus, working straight after school can be useful.
Lexical resource
RevisedOne advantage is financial independence.
The term 'financial susceptibility' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses 'financial independence' which is more suitable.
Grammar & accuracy
Revisedthey can also achieve financial independence.
The term 'financial success susceptibility' is not grammatically correct. The revised sentence is more precise and uses correct grammar.
Once students decide to go on their study at institution or high school, they can have mysterious opportunities associated with their next life. For example, if they study at one of educational institutions, they have a university degree, which means they will not struggle with finding alternative job. Apart from that, By studying at college or university, they can create easier lifestyles, such as comfortable houses or villas, state-of-the-art cars, and smart clothes. Consequently, they do not have to struggle with their future life's difficulties. In conclusion, although there are some advantages of getting a job straight after school, like financial independence and making experiences, the benefits of studying at university or college, such as having many opportunities and achieving easy lifestyle, are far more significant.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedDespite the advantages of getting a job straight after secondary school, continuing at a university or college can offer more significant benefits for school graduates' careers.
The sentence is a bit confusing and the use of 'upsides' and 'benefits' interchangeably may cause some misunderstanding. Also, the use of 'can offer numerous advantages' is a bit repetitive and could be simplified.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne advantage is the potential to create numerous opportunities.
The original sentence is a bit vague and could be more specific. The revised sentence clearly states the advantage.
Lexical resource
Revisedthey will likely lead a more comfortable lifestyle.
The term 'easy lifestyle' is a bit vague and could be more specific. The revised sentence uses 'comfortable lifestyle' which is more precise.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the progression of ideas a bit difficult to follow. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's position.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to clearly state your position in the conclusion and summarize the main points.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedDespite the advantages of getting a job straight after secondary school, continuing at a university or college can offer more significant benefits for school graduates' careers.
The sentence is a bit confusing and the use of 'upsides' and 'benefits' interchangeably may cause some misunderstanding. Also, the use of 'can offer numerous advantages' is a bit repetitive and could be simplified.
RevisedOne advantage is the potential to create numerous opportunities.
The original sentence is a bit vague and could be more specific. The revised sentence clearly states the advantage.
RevisedAlthough getting a job straight after secondary school has its benefits, continuing at a university or college can offer more significant advantages for school graduates' careers.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition between the two ideas, making the argument more coherent.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures effectively, with a good range of simple and complex sentences. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the conclusion could use more precise language to clearly state the writer's position.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne advantage is financial independence.
The term 'financial susceptibility' is not grammatically correct. The revised sentence uses 'financial independence' which is more appropriate.
RevisedWhen students start working after they finish their secondary education, they can earn a substantial income.
The term 'secondary school' is not universally understood. The revised sentence uses 'secondary education' which is more clear and precise.
Revisedthey can also achieve financial independence.
The term 'financial success susceptibility' is not grammatically correct. The revised sentence is more precise and uses correct grammar.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of academic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the conclusion could use more precise language to clearly state the writer's position.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne advantage is financial independence.
The term 'financial susceptibility' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses 'financial independence' which is more suitable.
RevisedIf school graduates get a job straight after school, they will naturally have to interact and communicate with others.
The term 'strangers' is too strong and informal in this context. The revised sentence uses 'others' which is more appropriate.
Revisedthey will likely lead a more comfortable lifestyle.
The term 'easy lifestyle' is a bit vague and could be more specific. The revised sentence uses 'comfortable lifestyle' which is more precise.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's position.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop your argument and support it with specific examples.
- Make sure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and clearly states your position.
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