University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #20, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
229 words. Marked by Axiom on 11 July 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2229 words
Some people believe that studying at university or collage is the best route to a successful career. While others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.
Some say that graduating universities or collages is the best way to achieve success while others think being employed after school is beneficial. Personally, I agree with former view for some valid reasons.
Chief among them is that the experience they get. Instead of studying for 4 years at educational institutions, they may have more practical knowledge rather than theoretical that educational centres emphasize mostly.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThere are various reasons why some people believe that getting a job immediately after school is the best path to success.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate cohesive device ('on the one hand').
Lexical resource
RevisedA good example is my uncle, who started working in the field of agriculture straight after school and is now one of the most successful farmers in my country.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'in the field of' is more appropriate in this context.
If people have good qualifications, they always have more opportunities to get the job rather than illiterate ones.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, I agree with those who believe that gaining knowledge at universities and colleges is the best path to a successful career for several reasons.
The revised sentence is more concise and the use of the comma is not necessary. The revised sentence also uses a more appropriate cohesive device ('on the other hand').
Lexical resource
RevisedThe main reason is the degree that educated people obtain after graduation.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'obtain a degree' is more appropriate in this context.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is because, in most cases, individuals aim to get into educational institutions, often private ones, to obtain degrees.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'in most cases' is more appropriate in this context.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, although I acknowledge the benefits of being employed immediately after school, I am convinced that graduating from universities and colleges is the best path to a successful career.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'although I agree' is more appropriate in this context.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's position.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and clearly states your position.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThere are various reasons why some people believe that getting a job immediately after school is the best path to success.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more appropriate cohesive device ('on the one hand').
RevisedOn the other hand, I agree with those who believe that gaining knowledge at universities and colleges is the best path to a successful career for several reasons.
The revised sentence is more concise and the use of the comma is not necessary. The revised sentence also uses a more appropriate cohesive device ('on the other hand').
RevisedIn conclusion, although I acknowledge the benefits of being employed immediately after school, I am convinced that graduating from universities and colleges is the best path to a successful career.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'although I agree' is more appropriate in this context.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, and there are few grammatical errors. However, there are some errors in article and preposition usage, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of incorrect or awkward phrasing, which could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, there are various reasons why some people think that getting a job immediately after school is an optimal way to achieve success.
The revised sentence corrects the omission of the conjunction 'that' after 'think'.
RevisedOn the other hand, I agree with those who believe that gaining knowledge at universities and colleges is the best route to a successful career for several reasons.
The revised sentence corrects the unnecessary use of the comma after 'those' and the incorrect use of the plural form 'for some reasons'.
RevisedIn conclusion, although I agree that being employed just after school may be beneficial, I am convinced that graduating from universities and colleges is the optimal way to achieve a successful career.
The revised sentence corrects the use of the incorrect term 'remained convinced' and the incorrect use of the article 'the' before 'optimal'.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices, which could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedA good example is my uncle, who started working in the field of agriculture straight after school and is now one of the most successful farmers in my country.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'in the field of' is more appropriate in this context.
RevisedThis is because, in most cases, individuals aim to get into educational institutions, often private ones, to obtain degrees.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'in most cases' is more appropriate in this context.
RevisedThe main reason is the degree that educated people obtain after graduation.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of the phrase 'obtain a degree' is more appropriate in this context.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear personal stance. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the essay could provide more specific examples to support its points.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your points.
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single idea or argument.
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