University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 6.0

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

233 words. Marked by Axiom on 2 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

Task 2233 words

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Every coin has two sides, and so are the people. These days, many people are divided into two groups, and therefore university education has become a topic of debate among pupils. In this essay, I am going to compare and contrast both points of view and give my own perspective on the matter.

Grammar & accuracy
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RevisedThese days, people are divided into two groups, and university education has become a topic of debate among students.
The term 'divided into two groups' is too strong and may cause some confusion. The term 'pupils' is also not the most appropriate choice in this context.

On the one side, there are people who argue that the benefits of university knowledge considerably outweigh its disadvantages. The main reason for doing this is that youngsters need to continue to their studies through colleges. While they go to the universities and finish with a good degree, this is beneficial for their career and future. For example, my friend graduated Turin International University, and he earned more money than some of my friends.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedOn the one hand, there are people who argue that the benefits of university education outweigh the disadvantages.
The term 'university knowledge' is not commonly used and may cause some confusion. 'University education' is a more appropriate term.
Lexical resource
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RevisedObtaining a good degree from a university can be beneficial for one's career and future.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise language to convey the same idea.

On the other hand, despite both arguments, people who hold another view point say that people make a good profit by other ways, for instance, commercials and carpenters. But some times,it is a little difficult.Take my uncle as an example. He is a car mechanic, and while he earns more money, but sometimes he works in a bad weather conditions. As a result, he suffers from a leg pain in cold weather.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedOn the other hand, people with a different perspective argue that individuals can be financially successful in other ways, such as in commerce or skilled trades.
The original sentence is confusing and not well-structured. The revision provides a clearer and more coherent version of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedHowever, in some cases, it can be a bit challenging. For example, my uncle, a car mechanic, often works in harsh weather conditions and suffers from leg pain due to the cold.
The original sentence is not well-structured and is somewhat informal. The revision provides a more formal and structured explanation, and the example given is more relevant and detailed.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedHe is a car mechanic in earns more money than some of my friends, but sometimes he works in bad weather conditions.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing of the original, making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.

In conclusion, I believe that all the time, a good qualification gives us more convenience and facilities. So students will be more successful in their careers, if they continue their studies beyond school level.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedIn conclusion, I believe that having a good qualification is always beneficial as it provides more opportunities and comfort in the future.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more coherent conclusion, summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's opinion.
Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedTherefore, students are more likely to be successful in their careers if they continue their studies beyond high school.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic in tone, which is more appropriate for an IELTS essay.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's opinion.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and clearly states your opinion.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedOn the one hand, there are people who argue that the benefits of university education outweigh the disadvantages.
The term 'university knowledge' is not commonly used and may cause some confusion. 'University education' is a more appropriate term.
RevisedOn the other hand, people with a different perspective argue that individuals can be financially successful in other ways, such as in commerce or skilled trades.
The original sentence is confusing and not well-structured. The revision provides a clearer and more coherent version of the idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, I believe that having a good qualification is always beneficial as it provides more opportunities and comfort in the future.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more coherent conclusion, summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's opinion.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, but these do not impede communication. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors that can be distracting. For example, "people who hold another view point say that people make a good profit by other ways" should be "people who hold a different viewpoint say that individuals can be financially successful in other ways." Additionally, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement and preposition use that affect the overall clarity of the essay.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedThese days, people are divided into two groups, and university education has become a topic of debate among students.
The term 'divided into two groups' is too strong and may cause some confusion. The term 'pupils' is also not the most appropriate choice in this context.
RevisedHowever, in some cases, it can be a bit challenging. For example, my uncle, a car mechanic, often works in harsh weather conditions and suffers from leg pain due to the cold.
The original sentence is not well-structured and is somewhat informal. The revision provides a more formal and structured explanation, and the example given is more relevant and detailed.
RevisedHe is a car mechanic in earns more money than some of my friends, but sometimes he works in bad weather conditions.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and awkward phrasing of the original, making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.

Lexical resource

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices. For example, "commercials" should be "commercial ventures," and "facilities" should be "opportunities." Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly phrased and could be more concise and precise.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedThe main reason is that young people need to continue their studies beyond high school.
The term 'doing this' is too vague. The revision provides a clear and specific explanation.
RevisedObtaining a good degree from a university can be beneficial for one's career and future.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise language to convey the same idea.
RevisedTherefore, students are more likely to be successful in their careers if they continue their studies beyond high school.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic in tone, which is more appropriate for an IELTS essay.

Task response

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task and provides a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both sides of the argument and providing the writer's perspective. However, the discussion is somewhat superficial, and the essay could benefit from a deeper analysis of each point. Additionally, the conclusion could be more substantial, as it simply restates the writer's position without providing any further explanation or justification.

Suggestions

Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
Develop your ideas more fully to provide a deeper and more thorough analysis of the topic.

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