University or a job after school: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 6.0

There is a debate over which way is the best to get successful career, some people saying studying at university or college is the best way to gain successful career, other people arguing straight after school is better way to get good job. I believe that studying at university or college is perfect choice to achieve popular job, despite in some people's opinions straight after school is great and easy route to find good work.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedI believe that studying at university or college is the perfect choice to achieve a successful career, despite some people's opinions that it is better to find a job straight after school.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and is more natural and accurate in terms of expression.

The one option students start working after they graduate their school that it creates some good opportunities to students. If they start working after finishing school students gain more practical experience job opportunities so they become independent. This is a chance to achieve their goals and dreams that like build or buy new modern house buying experience cars starting some businesses and get marry earlier rather than their peers. They start working straight after finishing school it helps to gain progress quickly and they own enough experience and chance so it may lead to students good successful career and they become a profession very esaier in their failds.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne option for students is to start working after they graduate from school, which can create good opportunities for them.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and logically structured.

With regard to studying at university or college it is the best and right way to gain good job. In my opinion because when they study at university or college they learn many newthings and receive many important knowledges so these days there are demands to profession employees in fame companies and factories. If they graduate university lessons they have enough knowledge skills and academic qualifications and they can find good job easily so they never remain without job becouse they can consider themselves professions in their majors becouse they have studied much time. It create them to find good job and they can receive high salaries through their works. In addition these days the number of population is increasing dramatically so job market is becoming increasingly competitive and companies factories invit good academic qualifications of employees.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedGraduates from a university have the knowledge, skills, and academic qualifications needed to secure good jobs. They are less likely to remain unemployed as they can consider themselves professionals in their chosen fields due to their extensive study.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and is more natural and accurate in terms of expression.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn addition, with the current dramatic increase in population, the job market is becoming increasingly competitive as companies seek employees with strong academic qualifications.

   The revised sentence is more natural and accurate in terms of word choice, and it also provides more specific information.

In conclusion in my opinion students want to gain successful job. They should continue their studying after school.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, I believe that in order to gain a successful job, students should consider continuing their studies after school.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and clearly states the writer's opinion.