Technology and relationships: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 6.5

In 21st century, preference of society gendered, as a result, non-conventional type of socializing, which is modern communication technology is being chosen by more and more people, which has negative effects on social relationships. I partly agree to this statement.

Coming to the 21th century the modern technology more and more advanced and the way of communication change it to modern ones. Modern technology like social media, and messaging apps, helps people to stay connected with family, friends, and relatives, no matter where they are in the world. For instance, many businessmen can connect with other businessmen a girls that glow to make an appointment, reducing the travel and increasing both companies productivity.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs we entered the 21st century, modern technology became more advanced, leading to a transformation in communication methods.

   The original sentence is awkward and not grammatically correct. The revision provides a clear and accurate sentence.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor instance, many businessmen can connect with other businessmen and individuals to make appointments, which reduces the need for travel and increases both companies' productivity.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and the meaning is unclear. The revision provides a correct and coherent sentence.

It's clear that modern technology has already become vital part of our life, even the Young communicate by internet with each other which has significantly negative effects on the your house like stress, anxiety and depression. For example in Uzbekistan this kind of illnesses observed a large number of younger, and this case drove to decrease the education systems. The government has temporarily restricted the use of modern communication technology for young people. Sometimes modern socializing helps to destroy relationships, for example it disturbs meetings, creating new memories and building new bonds.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIt's clear that modern technology has already become a vital part of our lives, even the young communicate via the internet, which has significantly negative effects on households, such as stress, anxiety, and depression.

   The original sentence is a bit confusing and the use of 'your house' is not appropriate. The revision provides a clear and coherent sentence.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor example, in Uzbekistan, there is a high prevalence of such illnesses among the youth, which has led to a decrease in the education system.

   The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and the meaning is unclear. The revision provides a clear and accurate sentence.

In conclusion, I partially agree with this opinion because modern communication helps businessman to make an agreement with companies anywhere in the world. And this type of interacting helps people to keep in touch with each other but on the other hand, it's leads to diseases such as stress and depression, and limits face-to-face communication and making new ties.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, I partially agree with this opinion because modern communication technology can significantly benefit businesses by facilitating agreements and increasing productivity on a global scale.

   The conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's position. The revised sentence provides a more comprehensive conclusion.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis form of interaction helps people stay connected, but on the other hand, it can lead to health issues such as stress and depression, and limit face-to-face communication and the formation of new relationships.

   The original sentence is a bit unclear and the use of 'it's' is not appropriate. The revision provides a clear and coherent sentence.