Technology and relationships: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 6.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

210 words. Marked by Axiom on 27 February 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

Task 2210 words

Some people think that the modern communication technology is having a negative effect on social relationships

Coming to 21st century, socialization and engaging ways of humanity is being influenced by modern communication technology. I strongly disagree with this statement, because interaction by technological advancement can remove geographical barriers and increases awareness about global issues.

Firstly, communicating online by modern technology allow people to stay connected with loved ones, regarless of distance.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedFirstly, modern communication technology allows people to stay connected with loved ones, regardless of distance.
The sentence should be revised to ensure correct usage of the term 'allows' and to correct the spelling error ('regarless' should be 'regardless').

Many individuals have to move another countries, for working purposes to enhance their overall financial background, which prevents them living togethertogether. For example one of the member from low-family have to leave their native country to earn more money, so interacting by modern technology helps them to stay in touch and engage in different conversations, irrespective of far distance

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedMany individuals have to move to another country for work purposes to enhance their financial background, which often means living apart from their families.
The sentence should be revised for clarity and to correct the repetition of words ('together' twice in 'living together together').
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedFor example, a member of a low-income family may have to leave their native country to earn more money, so modern technology helps them stay in touch and engage in different conversations, regardless of the distance.
The revised sentence corrects the article use ('a member' instead of 'one'), the plural form of 'member' to 'members', and the preposition use ('with' instead of 'by'). It also corrects the spelling error 'far' to 'far'.

Secondly, modern communication technology enables people to become aware of global issues, people can exchange various data, express their opinions as well as engage in verity of discussions about vital topics, which in turn, this helps people involve in social movements, as an example supporting charity affairs, protection of an environment and human rights. Besides, people can contribute to significant changes by online platforms

Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedSecondly, modern communication technology helps raise awareness of global issues by enabling people to exchange information, express their opinions, and engage in a variety of discussions on vital topics. This, in turn, supports social movements and encourages involvement in charitable affairs, environmental protection, and human rights.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, with improved word choice and collocation. The term 'varity of discussions' has been corrected to 'a variety of discussions'.

In conclusion, modern communication technology has greatly impacted on the way individuals socialize with each other, by enabling them communicating despite the geographical barriers and increasing awareness of people regarding global issues

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedIn conclusion, modern communication technology has greatly impacted the way individuals socialize by enabling them to communicate despite geographical barriers and increasing awareness of global issues.
The revised sentence is more coherent and concise, with improved grammar and clarity.

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reiterating the stance.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and reiterate your stance.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedFirstly, modern communication technology allows people to stay connected with loved ones, regardless of distance.
The sentence should be revised to ensure correct usage of the term 'allows' and to correct the spelling error ('regarless' should be 'regardless').
RevisedMany individuals have to move to another country for work purposes to enhance their financial background, which often means living apart from their families.
The sentence should be revised for clarity and to correct the repetition of words ('together' twice in 'living together together').
RevisedIn conclusion, modern communication technology has greatly impacted the way individuals socialize by enabling them to communicate despite geographical barriers and increasing awareness of global issues.
The revised sentence is more coherent and concise, with improved grammar and clarity.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there is a good range of structures. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions that can be distracting. The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions that can be distracting. These errors include issues with subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and preposition use. Proofreading is recommended to correct these errors and improve the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedFirstly, modern technology allows people to stay connected with loved ones, regardless of distance.
The verb 'allow' should be in the singular form 'allows' to agree with the singular subject 'technology'. The term 'regarless of distance' has been corrected to 'regardless of distance'.
RevisedFor example, a member of a low-income family may have to leave their native country to earn more money, so modern technology helps them stay in touch and engage in different conversations, regardless of the distance.
The revised sentence corrects the article use ('a member' instead of 'one'), the plural form of 'member' to 'members', and the preposition use ('with' instead of 'by'). It also corrects the spelling error 'far' to 'far'.
RevisedIn conclusion, modern communication technology has greatly impacted the way individuals socialize by enabling them to communicate across geographical barriers and increasing awareness of global issues.
The revised sentence corrects the preposition use ('across' instead of 'on'), and the term 'to communicate' is now used in the infinitive form following 'enabling'. The term 'awareness of people regarding global issues' has been simplified to 'awareness of global issues'.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and there is some evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedMany individuals have to move to another country for work purposes to enhance their financial background, which often means living apart from their families.
The revised sentence is more natural and accurate in terms of word choice and collocation. 'Living togethertogether' is a repetition error that has been corrected.
RevisedSecondly, modern communication technology helps raise awareness of global issues by enabling people to exchange information, express their opinions, and engage in a variety of discussions on vital topics. This, in turn, supports social movements and encourages involvement in charitable affairs, environmental protection, and human rights.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, with improved word choice and collocation. The term 'varity of discussions' has been corrected to 'a variety of discussions'.
RevisedIn conclusion, modern communication technology has greatly impacted the way individuals socialize by enabling them to communicate across geographical barriers and increasing awareness of global issues.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, with improved word choice and collocation. The term 'geographical barriers' is now used in the correct context.

Task response

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion could be more comprehensive.

Suggestions

Consider using a more engaging hook in the introduction to grab the reader's attention.
Provide a more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates the position.

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