Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #14, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
275 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2275 words
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Students who study full-time should spend the majority of their time to academic work, in addition they need to engage in other activities at the time. I think students have to get up to do some sports like playing soccer and volunteering activities, after being done daily studies.
By spending lots of time to studying, full-time students will be able to get brighter in future career path. As a result, workers can achieve financial Independence in society. Thus, students should pay attention to their studies wholeheartedly.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is because well-educated and hardworking employees are always in demand by prestigious companies.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward and incorrect word choice, making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese companies often offer higher salaries.
The revised sentence provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
Another advantage is that this kind of team games give a brilliant opportunity socialize with friends after arduous academic assignment.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAdditionally, engaging in other activities, such as soccer, can bring its own benefits to the life of full-time students.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection to the following idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedPlaying, which requires running for an extended period, allows students to burn calories and stay healthy.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward sentence structure, making the expression more natural and accurate.
Furthermore, students can gain valuable experience through volunteering activities. Students who are studying in medicine, for instance, would learn how to communicate politely in any situation, and provide first aid in infirmaries for free. This will also help them to get promoted easily.
It is also obvious that this quality makes them the most special individuals in society.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedBefore engaging in sports or other non-academic activities, I believe students should first focus on their studies.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThis, in turn, helps them to maintain a balance between life and study.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error, making the expression more natural and accurate.
In conclusion, I reckon full-time students should involve in sports or volunteering only after finishing their studies since this lifestyle can make them healthy and experienced.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reiterating the author's stance.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and reiterate your stance.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedAdditionally, engaging in other activities, such as soccer, can bring its own benefits to the life of full-time students.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection to the following idea.
RevisedBefore engaging in sports or other non-academic activities, I believe students should first focus on their studies.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence structure. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect sentence structure that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedPlaying, which requires running for an extended period, allows students to burn calories and stay healthy.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward sentence structure, making the expression more natural and accurate.
RevisedThis, in turn, helps them to maintain a balance between life and study.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error, making the expression more natural and accurate.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThis is because well-educated and hardworking employees are always in demand by prestigious companies.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward and incorrect word choice, making the meaning clearer and the expression more natural.
RevisedThese companies often offer higher salaries.
The revised sentence provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the essay could provide more specific examples to support its points.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your points.
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single idea or argument.
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