Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #13, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
307 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2307 words
Full time students should spend a lot of time on studies , but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree
Full-time students should learn a lot on subjects, and they should engage with other activities. In my opinion, I agree that students have to participate not only studies, but also other activities.
For example, everyone wants to have a rest after the difficult something, and it depends on student interest how to create breaks for themselves. These activities can also affect the productivity and overall well-being. Finally, if students continue to study without breaks and activities, they may become quickly bored.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFirstly, many regular students devote a lot of time to their studies and tend to neglect other activities.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of 'neglect' provides a better connection to the idea of neglecting other activities.
Lexical resource
RevisedThey believe that their efforts contribute to their personal growth.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSecondly, I believe that all students have interests beyond their studies.
The revised sentence is more concise and coherent, and the use of 'beyond their studies' provides a better connection to the idea of extracurricular activities.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAdditionally, some of them choose to go to entertainment places, or stay at home to have fun.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and awkward constructions.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThey may feel under pressure to study more.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity.
And it has opportunity for self-care especially after the intense study sessions. This is because some daily students cannot manage their time for everything, like make-up, washing the clothes, watching tv and so on. In addition, after the study session, completing an activity (such as working out or completing a hobby task) creates sense of accomplishment, reinforcing the positive habits you build during your study routine.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedEngaging in such activities plays a crucial role in improving health.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of 'engaging in such activities' provides a better connection to the idea of the previous sentence.
Lexical resource
RevisedI would argue that they should lead a balanced life and find time to engage in various activities.
The revised sentence is more precise and the use of 'balanced life' provides a better clarification.
To conclude, my view that working with little breaks and activities, are more useful for student health and their other skills. Activities can reduce the gaining weight especially studying a long hour. When it comes skills, they can do their favorite task for evolving other skills.
(286 words) 40 minutes I used dictionary for remember the word, I have problem with my body paragraphs especially ideas developing.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the progression of ideas a bit difficult to follow. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reiterating the author's stance.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to link all the sentences in a paragraph to the main idea of the paragraph.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFirstly, many regular students devote a lot of time to their studies and tend to neglect other activities.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of 'neglect' provides a better connection to the idea of neglecting other activities.
RevisedSecondly, I believe that all students have interests beyond their studies.
The revised sentence is more concise and coherent, and the use of 'beyond their studies' provides a better connection to the idea of extracurricular activities.
RevisedEngaging in such activities plays a crucial role in improving health.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of 'engaging in such activities' provides a better connection to the idea of the previous sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and a variety of grammatical structures. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be improved. The essay uses a variety of complex grammatical structures with a good level of accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors that could be corrected for improved clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFull-time students should learn a lot about their subjects and engage in other activities.
The revised sentence corrects the preposition use and subject-verb agreement.
RevisedAdditionally, some of them choose to go to entertainment places, or stay at home to have fun.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and awkward constructions.
RevisedThey may feel under pressure to study more.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that could be improved. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThey believe that their efforts contribute to their personal growth.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
RevisedFor example, everyone wants to rest after a challenging task.
The revised sentence is more precise and the use of 'challenging task' provides a better clarification.
RevisedI would argue that they should lead a balanced life and find time to engage in various activities.
The revised sentence is more precise and the use of 'balanced life' provides a better clarification.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the essay could benefit from a more formal tone and style.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single idea or argument.
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