Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #11, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
460 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2460 words
Full time students should spend a lot of time on studies , but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree
It is often argued whether students should spend all of their time to study or they should participate in other activities too . I completely agree with opinion that there should be a possibility for them to do other activities like sport ,volunteering and entertainment
So that’s why they can achieve higher results at school .It can also help to boost their confidence. For example, if they master one skill, they start to set goals ,after seeing improvement their self-esteem will start to increase . And most important benefit of sport is that By joining a sport team , it helps them to communicate with each other , co-operate with them to do well. It also enable them to have leadership skills.
Lexical resource
RevisedSport offers numerous benefits to students’ mental and physical health, as well as their social skills.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFirst of all, sport can help improve students' muscle strength and flexibility, enabling them to study more efficiently and without health problems.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the message.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSecondly, engaging in sporting activities allows students to relieve stress and anxiety.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the message.
Lexical resource
Revisedit can help students to socialize with other people.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedTherefore, they should join a sport activity if they have free time from their studies.
The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the preceding sentence.
Because it has so many different benefits. Volunteering connects people to the world . They get to know what is happening around the world and what they can do to help them to get better . It also can have good impact on students’ mental health . As well as helping them , it also effect their mood and make them happy throughout the time . Working with so many people can led to make new friends . So I think students should spend their time in volunteering programs rather than wasting their time without doing anything.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn addition to participating in sport activities, students should also engage in volunteering programs.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of the verb 'engage' provides a clearer connection to the following sentence.
Lexical resource
RevisedMost importantly, they can gain experiences that will be helpful for their future careers.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Doing entertaining activities is also beneficial for student in so many different ways . The most important benefit of that is that it can be helpful to relieve stress and relax a little bit . For example they can read their favorite book and it also enable them enjoy their time but also improve their way of thinking and broaden their horizon .Or they can watch a movie to just stay way from their studies . By doing that they can have more energy to study later .
In conclusion , as well as studying , full-time students should do other activities for their development both mentally and physically .So it helps them to achieve higher results and make them confident in ourselves .
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs for each activity (sport, volunteering, and entertaining activities), and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward or incorrect, affecting the flow of the essay. Additionally, the connection between some ideas within paragraphs could be stronger. For example, the transition between the benefits of sports and volunteering is abrupt, and the connection between entertainment activities and the overall argument could be clearer.
Suggestions
- Try to use a variety of cohesive devices appropriately.
- Make sure that the use of cohesive devices does not affect the clarity of your writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn addition to participating in sport activities, students should also engage in volunteering programs.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of the verb 'engage' provides a clearer connection to the following sentence.
RevisedParticipating in entertaining activities is also beneficial for students in many different ways.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the use of the phrase 'participing in' provides a clearer connection to the following sentence.
RevisedTherefore, they should join a sport activity if they have free time from their studies.
The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the preceding sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, punctuation and spelling. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which is a point for good grammar. However, there are numerous grammatical errors that affect the overall clarity and readability of the essay. These include issues with subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and preposition use. For example, "it can help improve muscle strength and flexibility of students it makes them to study much harder" should be "it can help improve students' muscle strength and flexibility, making it easier for them to study much harder," and "they can relieve stress and anxiety . So that’s why they can achieve higher results at school" should be "they can relieve stress and anxiety, which is why they can achieve higher results at school."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFirst of all, sport can help improve students' muscle strength and flexibility, enabling them to study more efficiently and without health problems.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the message.
RevisedSecondly, engaging in sporting activities allows students to relieve stress and anxiety.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the message.
RevisedMost importantly, they can gain experiences that will be helpful for their future careers.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the message.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "mental and physical health," "socialize," "volunteering programs," and "entertaining activities." However, there are instances of awkward or incorrect word choices and collocations that affect the clarity and professionalism of the writing. For example, "it can have good impact on students’ mental health" should be "it can have a positive impact on students’ mental health," and "they can stay way from their studies" should be "they can stay away from their studies."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSport offers numerous benefits to students’ mental and physical health, as well as their social skills.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Revisedit can help students to socialize with other people.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
RevisedMost importantly, they can gain experiences that will be helpful for their future careers.
The revised sentence is more accurate in terms of word choice and collocation.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of full-time students participating in activities outside of their studies, such as sports, volunteering, and entertainment. The writer presents a clear position, supporting the idea with arguments about the benefits of these activities for students' physical and mental health, as well as their social skills and future careers. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples and by ensuring that the argument is fully developed and supported throughout the essay.
Suggestions
- Try to develop your argument more fully and provide specific examples to support your position.
Check your own essay on this question
Write your answer and Axiom marks it the same way: a band for each criterion, and revisions for your own sentences. How the Task 2 checker works.
Check an essay free