Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #12, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
294 words. Marked by Axiom on 14 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2294 words
Full time students should spend a lot of time on studies , but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree
Task 2
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree? I firmly agree with the latter opinion as being involved in extracurricular activities can enhance overall mental and physical well-being.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedNowadays, some people think that studying has become a priority for students, which has led to the opposition that students shouldn’t be overly focused on studying, but should instead use their opportunities to enjoy other activities.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the idea.
For instance: when playing football all the players should concentrate on the ball and their teammates because winning is possible if only they work collaboratively.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, participating in extracurricular activities can be an effective way to strengthen the mind and mitigate the risk of depression and stress that comes from overwhelming study sessions.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and more formal language.
Lexical resource
RevisedExtracurricular activities primarily involve sports such as football or cheerleading.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedParticipating in these sports not only promotes mental health but also helps students develop communication skills, as these activities require teamwork.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSo, in the process, students have a chance to learn how to understand each other.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, university or school life is often filled with tasks, tests, and homework, which can lead to extended study hours.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedExcluding the learning process while being busy with other activities can lead to failing exams or lagging behind peers.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is because studying requires full concentration, and being distracted during this time can lead to loss of focus or failure.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
To sum up,considering all the information above being involved in extracurricular activities is not a bad decision,however balancing the time is a must. I personally believe both studying and engaging in activities are possible if students know how to schedule or plan their time.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the connection between some ideas and paragraphs could be improved. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the transition to the body paragraphs is a bit abrupt. Clearer topic sentences and more explicit transitions would help guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, the conclusion could be more comprehensive, summarizing the main points and clearly stating the overall stance on the issue.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph follows logically from the one before and leads to the one after.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, participating in extracurricular activities can be an effective way to strengthen the mind and mitigate the risk of depression and stress that comes from overwhelming study sessions.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and more formal language.
RevisedOn the other hand, university or school life is often filled with tasks, tests, and homework, which can lead to extended study hours.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.
RevisedTo sum up, considering all the information above, being involved in extracurricular activities can be a beneficial decision, however, effective time management is crucial.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of grammatical structures, with some variety in sentence length and type. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the use of punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a few instances of missing or incorrect punctuation that could be added for clarity.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedNowadays, some people think that studying has become a priority for students, which has led to the opposition that students shouldn’t be overly focused on studying, but should instead use their opportunities to enjoy other activities.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the idea.
RevisedSo, in the process, students have a chance to learn how to understand each other.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the idea.
RevisedExcluding the learning process while being busy with other activities can lead to failing exams or lagging behind peers.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and precision. Additionally, the formality of the language is generally appropriate, but there are a few instances of informal language that could be made more formal.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedExtracurricular activities primarily involve sports such as football or cheerleading.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
RevisedParticipating in these sports not only promotes mental health but also helps students develop communication skills, as these activities require teamwork.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
RevisedThis is because studying requires full concentration, and being distracted during this time can lead to loss of focus or failure.
The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the importance of not focusing solely on studies and the benefits of engaging in extracurricular activities. The position is clear and well-supported throughout the essay. However, the argument could be more fully developed with additional specific examples and a more detailed exploration of the potential drawbacks of extracurricular activities. Additionally, the conclusion could more effectively summarize the main points and reinforce the position taken in the essay.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single point.
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