Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 6.5

Nowadays, it is crucial for individuals to allocate their time efficiently. In fact, it is said that students who study full-time ought to expend most of their time on learning, however, they should also be engaged in various types of activities. I absolutely agree with this notion in terms of advanced intelligence and overall growth as well.

There are many reasons why I think that spending a lot of time on learning. The primary reason is advanced intelligence. Precisely, when students expend their most time on studying, they are able to reduce the amount of time allocated to other activities, such as socializing, travelling, extra housework, shopping and others, which limit them to study more. Therefore, they have enough moment to learn different kinds of subjects, leading to enlarging their knowledge in any field. This means, they can try variety of fields instead of being limited on one sphere. As a consequence, the more experience they gain, the more well-educated they become.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThere are many reasons to believe that spending a lot of time on learning is beneficial.

   The revised sentence is more formal and precise.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe primary benefit is the advancement of their intelligence.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer explanation of the point being made.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThis means they can try a variety of fields instead of being limited to one.

   The revised sentence corrects the incorrect preposition use.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs a consequence, the more experience they gain, the more knowledgeable they become.

   The revised sentence is more precise and natural.

However, if they were to participate in other events, such as debates, parties, meetings, family gatherings, hanging out with friends, they can guarantee the chance of fostering their overall growth. To be more exact, they can have social experience, since they strike up a conversation with others, making the opportunity to make friends. Moreover, they can also share different ideas with each other, which is the framework of opening a lot of doors to share the same tastes among individuals. Thus, it ensures them to look at the world from a different angle as they communicate with people who both have similar character and totally opposite ones as well. As a result, not only can students develop new talents by dealing with different situations, but also they are able to broaden their horizon, being improved in each field.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThus, it allows them to view the world from different perspectives as they interact with a diverse range of people.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity.

In conclusion, most individuals state that students who study full-time distribute a great deal of time to study, at the same time, they ought to be engaged in various activities. In my opinion, it is vital for full-time students to expend their most of time to study as they can be well-educated and enlarge their perception.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while it is commonly stated that full-time students should devote a significant amount of time to their studies, it is also important that they engage in a variety of activities.

   The revised sentence is clearer and more concise.