Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #8, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
405 words. Marked by Axiom on 25 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2405 words
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a view that a lot of time should be spent on studies by full-time students, but they should be engaged in other activities too. While I agree that education is one of the most important spheres to invest your time and that students should do other activities, I disagree with this opinion because I believe that students should spend equal time on both studies and extracurricular activities.
Additionally, if the university they apply for estimates the students at the end of the academic year, they might receive good jobs because the better they perform, the more beautiful their diplomas look like.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedEducational skills are crucial for students as they are beneficial for university admission and life beyond.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedStudents, especially those with ample free time, should be motivated to study as preparing for essential standardized tests is time-consuming and important in today's competitive world.
The revised sentence is more natural and easier to understand.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn other words, students need to be resilient and put in significant effort to achieve perfect results in their standardized tests, as this can enhance their chances of admission to their dream university.
The revised sentence is clearer and more direct.
However, some of these individuals are forced by family members to study. I am going to emphasize the importance of students’ real desire, Furthermore, foreign universities appreciate these extracurricular activities, and some of them evaluate them even more than the education, which means that the focus should be put equally. Therefore, students should concentrate on education and other activities as well.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedNevertheless, I believe that extracurricular activities are equally important in students’ journey to success.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBesides education, there are numerous other activities that are indeed interesting.
The revised sentence corrects the spelling error and is more natural.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFor example, in some parts of the world, a segment of society prioritizes sports over education to achieve success in their chosen field.
The revised sentence is more natural and easier to understand.
Lexical resource
Revised...which they may be more inclined towards rather than studying.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn fact, students are not only required to submit their educational certificates on platforms like CommonApp for university admission, but also to list their activities and submit a personal statement that showcases their creativity.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
In summary, although I agree that the education is appreciated as one of the most essential fields to focus on, I believe students, in their young age, should be engaged in other activities as well.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedEducational skills are crucial for students as they are beneficial for university admission and life beyond.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
RevisedIn other words, students need to be resilient and put in significant effort to achieve perfect results in their standardized tests, as this can enhance their chances of admission to their dream university.
The revised sentence is clearer and more direct.
RevisedNevertheless, I believe that extracurricular activities are equally important in students’ journey to success.
The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and is generally grammatically accurate. However, there are a few minor errors that could be corrected for clarity. Additionally, the use of more complex grammatical structures could enhance the argument.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedStudents, especially those with ample free time, should be motivated to study as preparing for essential standardized tests is time-consuming and important in today's competitive world.
The revised sentence is more natural and easier to understand.
RevisedBesides education, there are numerous other activities that are indeed interesting.
The revised sentence corrects the spelling error and is more natural.
RevisedFor example, in some parts of the world, a segment of society prioritizes sports over education to achieve success in their chosen field.
The revised sentence is more natural and easier to understand.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of more specific examples could enhance the argument.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFor example, sport is one of the most popular activities worldwide.
The revised sentence is more idiomatic and easier to understand.
Revised...which they may be more inclined towards rather than studying.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
RevisedIn fact, students are not only required to submit their educational certificates on platforms like CommonApp for university admission, but also to list their activities and submit a personal statement that showcases their creativity.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the importance of both education and extracurricular activities for students. The writer presents a clear position that students should spend equal time on both education and extracurricular activities. The argument is well-developed and supported with relevant points, but the use of more specific examples could enhance the response.
Suggestions
- Include more specific examples to support your argument.
- Ensure that each paragraph fully develops a single point.
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