Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
253 words. Marked by Axiom on 21 July 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2253 words
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a suggestion that while students in full-time education should be engaged in their studies, they should also participate in other activities. I totally agree with this statement, as engaging in activities such as volunteering can enhance knowledge acquisition and communication skills.
In Uzbekistan, for example, many full-time students are allowed to work as teachers at primary institutions for very limited hours each week.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWhile studying at the university, students often devote all their time to their individual subjects, yet this is not adequate for the full consolidation of their learning.
The revised sentence corrects the preposition usage and makes the meaning more precise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThey should utilize their specialized knowledge to teach and mentor younger students, thereby reinforcing their own understanding.
The revised sentence is more concise and the relationship between teaching and learning is more clearly explained.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis hands-on teaching method proves to be particularly effective in improving and strengthening their proficiency.
The revised sentence provides more specific information and context, making the idea more clear and concise.
Furthermore, doing volunteer work can be beneficial for their future careers. As volunteers, they can learn how to communicate effectively and manage conversations. These skills will likely provide many opportunities to get a job or start a business with experienced professionals. They communicate with each other, and this leads to better engagement in society.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFor instance, when a student collaborates with others, particularly unfamiliar individuals, to enhance their neighborhood, he will likely have to engage in conversation with them as part of the project.
The revised sentence uses more formal language and corrects the awkward phrasing.
To conclude, as students who are in full-time education spend their time learning, they should be employed as teachers or do some volunteer work. I believe this will lead to success in the future and enhance their knowledge. Balancing academic and extracurricular activities is crucial for holistic development and long-term achievement.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are all clearly presented. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each discuss a different benefit of volunteering, and a conclusion that restates your main point. You use a variety of cohesive devices effectively ("Furthermore," "For instance," "To conclude"), which helps to guide the reader through your argument. However, the connection between the benefits of volunteering and the overall thesis could be made clearer to enhance the essay's cohesion.
Suggestions
- Try to ensure that your ideas flow more smoothly from one to the next.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThey should utilize their specialized knowledge to teach and mentor younger students, thereby reinforcing their own understanding.
The revised sentence is more concise and the relationship between teaching and learning is more clearly explained.
RevisedThis hands-on teaching method proves to be particularly effective in improving and strengthening their proficiency.
The revised sentence provides more specific information and context, making the idea more clear and concise.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures and is mostly accurate. There are a few minor errors, but they do not detract from the overall clarity of the essay. Your essay displays a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, which you use effectively to convey your ideas. There are a few grammatical errors that affect the clarity of your writing (e.g., "They should teach the knowledge or specific subjects in which they specialize to school students to review and reinforce their understanding" could be more clearly phrased). Proofreading for subject-verb agreement and sentence clarity is recommended to enhance the grammatical accuracy of your essay.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedWhile studying at the university, students often devote all their time to their individual subjects, yet this is not adequate for the full consolidation of their learning.
The revised sentence corrects the preposition usage and makes the meaning more precise.
RevisedFor instance, when a student collaborates with others, particularly unfamiliar individuals, to enhance their neighborhood, he will likely have to engage in conversation with them as part of the project.
The revised sentence uses more formal language and corrects the awkward phrasing.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and idiomatic language. You demonstrate a good command of academic language, with appropriate use of terms like "holistic development" and "long-term achievement." Your vocabulary is varied and generally used accurately. To further improve, consider using more precise language to convey your ideas and avoid repetition of phrases like "full-time students" and "engaged in activities."
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThey should impart their specialized knowledge and subjects to school students, thus reinforcing their own understanding.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise vocabulary.
RevisedThis practice aids in enhancing and solidifying their proficiency.
The revised sentence uses more formal language and is more academically appropriate.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. You address the topic by discussing the benefits of volunteering for full-time students, arguing that it can enhance their knowledge acquisition and communication skills. Your position is clear, and you provide examples to support your points. To enhance your response, consider providing a more detailed explanation of how volunteering can specifically benefit students and how it relates to their academic studies.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop all of your points and provide detailed explanations and examples.
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