Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 8.0

Academic and other pursuits play a crucial role in the lives of most students, with some claiming that the former should be the top priority for full-time learners. While I understand that dedicating much time to academic accomplishments is a catalyst for progress, I hold the view that study-life balance should be maintained to prevent health issues and mitigate social isolation.

Proponents of the view of directing full focus towards studies believe that this approach is effective to enhance academic knowledge. When a subject is approached from different perspectives and analyzed thoroughly, a process which takes a substantial amount of time, students are more likely to achieve some expertise in this field.

This proficiency can be a valuable asset of those students in the future, when challenges at workplace may require deep knowledge of the sphere. Consider Elon Musk – a multi-billionaire holding a high level of expertise in engineering spacecrafts and electric cars – as an example. It took him many years of research, starting from school time in space science, neglecting other activities in order to reach current professionalism and run several top space and car manufacturing companies. In this regard, devotion to disciplines proves beneficial.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis proficiency can be a valuable asset for those students in the future, especially when workplace challenges demand deep knowledge of their field.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection between the current discussion and its future implications.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedConsider Elon Musk – a multi-billionaire renowned for his expertise in engineering spacecrafts and electric cars – as an example.

   The revision provides a more natural and idiomatic expression.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn this regard, it is argued that devotion to disciplines can prove beneficial.

   The revision clarifies the statement as an argument, making the connection to the following discussion more explicit.

I, however, share the stance that this attitude may lead to a set of serious trade-offs. One of them is a toll on both mental and physical health. While carrying out researches on subjects and avoiding physical exercise, students put their health at a great risk, as a physically active lifestyle helps to keep cardiovascular, muscular and a range of other systems in a healthy condition.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne of them is the toll on both mental and physical health.

   The definite article 'the' is needed before 'toll' to make the sentence grammatically correct.

Not only physical well-being is at stake but also mental health. Deprived of face-to-face interactions, social gatherings and meetings with friends, devoted students are very likely to loosen bonds with a circle of their close ones. Having weakened those connections, feelings of loneliness, anxiety, or depression in some cases, can be evoked, affecting their mental well-being. A good case in point is Nikola Tesla, a scientist known for his overwhelming dedication to academic pursuits, who spent much of his life alone. Therefore, a rational balance between study and other activities should be held to hinder the unfavorable outcomes mentioned above.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedDeprived of face-to-face interactions, social gatherings, and meetings with friends, devoted students are at risk of weakening their bonds with their close ones.

   The revision corrects the awkward phrase 'loosen bonds with a circle of their close ones' and improves the sentence structure.

In conclusion, although putting more time into studying offers to students advanced academic knowledge, which serves as a valuable asset in the years to come, the ramifications of this are significant as they may lead to social alienation and poor health conditions. In my view, the equilibrium between academic and other life facets should be maintained.