Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 8.0

It is advised that students ought to mainly focus on their studies, yet in the mean time, they should also engage in different activities. I completely agree with this view because other activities can help them to improve their soft skills, physical and mental health, too.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile it is advised that students should mainly focus on their studies, it is also recommended that they should engage in different activities.

   The revision corrects the awkward phrasing of the original sentence.

Nowadays, education is one of the most important skills one should have. It is now difficult to be employed in almost all occupations without a qualification. Thus, students should allocate their full attention to their studies in order to be academically successful. However, they should have spare time to spend with their relatives and friends. In other words, we humans are social creatures, and communication is a part of our lives. This gives us a sense of belonging and happiness, which improves our mental well-being and social status. If people solely concentrate on their studies, they may get bored, and this eventually leads them to stop their studies.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis engagement gives us a sense of belonging and happiness, thereby improving our mental well-being and social status.

   The revision provides a clearer connection between the two parts of the sentence.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedSolely concentrating on studies may lead to boredom and eventually, academic burnout.

   The revision provides a more concise and direct connection between the ideas.

Leisure activities can be beneficial for a variety of reasons. Students can burn out after long lessons during the day. Entertainment activities can help them recover from the anxiety they gain throughout lessons. For example, playing some video games or doing sports increases the level of dopamine in human body, which, in turn, results in a rise in their happiness. Overall increase in their well-being can also help enhance their academic performance. Besides, leisure activities such as watching educational movies can help students to learn new information being simultaneously interesting. This can, for instance, help language learners, exposing them into native language atmosphere fully.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   Revisedwhich, in turn, leads to an increase in their happiness.

   The revision provides a more natural phrasing of the idea.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAn overall increase in well-being can also contribute to enhanced academic performance.

   The revision provides a clearer connection between the two parts of the sentence.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis can, for instance, help language learners by immersing them in the native language atmosphere.

   The revision provides a more natural phrasing of the idea.

The last but not least essential extra activity is sport. One benefit of sport is that it improves our physical health. Doing sports improves our immune system, which is a crucial part of human body to combat illnesses. It can also increase person’s agility and stamina, leading them toward a healthier lifestyle. Additionally, sports can also be a way to increase team building among students, which can be a crucial ability in the long run as many employers appreciate people who can work collaboratively. For example, during football matches, players have to work in colloboration to win the match, which requires them to understand each other well and effectively.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedLast but not least, an essential extra activity is sport.

   The revision provides a more natural phrasing of the idea.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne benefit of sport is that it promotes physical health.

   The revision provides a more precise word choice.

In conclusion, I believe that students should continue studying hard with full concentration, but the importance of entertainment and sports activities should not be neglected in view of their advantages.