Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
311 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2311 words
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Full-time students often face the challenge of prioritizing their academic responsibilities while also considering the value of extracurricular activities. I strongly agree that while studies should remain a primary focus, involvement in other pursuits is equally crucial for personal development and long-term success.
Formal education provides students with the knowledge and skills necessary to excel in their chosen fields. It also fosters critical thinking, problem-solving abilities, and intellectual discipline. For instance, a medical student must devote substantial time to mastering complex concepts and practical techniques to ensure competence in the future. Without such dedication, academic underperformance could limit career opportunities and hinder professional growth.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIt is crucial to dedicate time to academic studies, a fact that cannot be overlooked.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection between ideas.
Engaging in extracurricular activities offers numerous benefits that contribute to a students overall well-being.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, an exclusive focus on academics can lead to burnout, stress, and an unbalanced lifestyle.
The revised sentence provides a clearer contrast to the previous point made.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedEngaging in activities such as sports, arts, or volunteering promotes physical and mental health, enhances creativity, and builds emotional resilience.
The revised sentence corrects the subject-verb agreement error.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, engaging in team sports not only enhances physical fitness but also cultivates essential skills such as teamwork, leadership, and communication that are invaluable in any career.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and effective word choice.
Furthermore, a diverse range of activities outside academics cultivates a well-rounded personality. Employers increasingly seek candidates who demonstrate adaptability, interpersonal skills, and real-world experience. Such activities not only enrich a students personal life but also complement academic learning, providing practical applications of theoretical knowledge.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedUniversities, in fact, recognize the importance of this and encourage students to engage in clubs, internships, and social initiatives.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression.
By integrating both aspects, students can maximize their potential and achieve holistic success.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the challenge for full-time students is to allocate significant time to their studies while also actively participating in extracurricular activities.
The revised sentence provides a more coherent and clear transition to the conclusion.
Lexical resource
RevisedStriking a balance ensures not only a solid academic foundation but also the acquisition of critical life skills that equip students to excel in both their careers and personal lives.
The revised sentence provides a more effective and precise word choice.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly structured. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas.
- Ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the key points of your argument.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt is crucial to dedicate time to academic studies, a fact that cannot be overlooked.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection between ideas.
RevisedOn the other hand, an exclusive focus on academics can lead to burnout, stress, and an unbalanced lifestyle.
The revised sentence provides a clearer contrast to the previous point made.
RevisedIn conclusion, the challenge for full-time students is to allocate significant time to their studies while also actively participating in extracurricular activities.
The revised sentence provides a more coherent and clear transition to the conclusion.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. The majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are a few minor errors that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe importance of dedicating time to academic studies cannot be overemphasized.
The revised sentence corrects the improper use of the word 'overstated'.
RevisedEngaging in activities such as sports, arts, or volunteering promotes physical and mental health, enhances creativity, and builds emotional resilience.
The revised sentence corrects the subject-verb agreement error.
RevisedUniversities, in fact, recognize the importance of this and encourage students to engage in clubs, internships, and social initiatives.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear expression.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. A wide range of vocabulary is used effectively and accurately. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe significance of devoting time to academic studies cannot be exaggerated.
The revised sentence more accurately conveys the intended meaning.
RevisedFor instance, engaging in team sports not only enhances physical fitness but also cultivates essential skills such as teamwork, leadership, and communication that are invaluable in any career.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and effective word choice.
RevisedStriking a balance ensures not only a solid academic foundation but also the acquisition of critical life skills that equip students to excel in both their careers and personal lives.
The revised sentence provides a more effective and precise word choice.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be improved to more effectively introduce the topic and the writer's position.
Suggestions
- Consider rephrasing the introduction to more effectively introduce the topic and the writer's position.
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