Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
304 words. Marked by Axiom on 7 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2304 words
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on their studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The main priority for full-time students should always be their studies, but there is a view that they should also engage in extra-curricular activities. I fully agree with this as such activities will also help students prepare for the real-world.
Improved social skills will come in handy in their adult life later on. For example, joining a cooking class is likely to teach them a life skill that will be useful in the future.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne advantage of participating in extra-curricular activities is the opportunity it provides for students to develop their social skills.
This revision provides a more formal and academic tone.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn other words, by joining various clubs, students can make new friends and develop their teamwork skills.
The revised sentence corrects the vague reference and provides a more precise expression.
They may even come to realization that their true passion is something else.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedEngaging in non-academic activities can also aid students in self-discovery.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more formal tone.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, a friend who was a history major discovered his talent in chess through his involvement in a chess club and subsequently decided to pursue a career in chess teaching.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic in tone.
Lexical resource
RevisedTherefore, students should proactively seek their passions, as extra-curricular activities often facilitate this journey.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more formal tone.
Take fitness clubs, for instance. Students who frequent the gym have shown improved academic results, which proves the point that extra-curricular activities can even help students to cope better with their studies.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedLastly, engaging in sports as part of extra-curricular activities promotes a healthy lifestyle.
"Lastly" is more formal and appropriate for an academic essay.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt is important for full-time students to learn effective stress and anxiety management strategies, especially during exams.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses a more formal tone.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedParticipating in any form of physical activity might help reduce stress levels, thus promoting overall health and well-being.
The revised sentence corrects the missing preposition and provides a more precise expression.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn conclusion, while prioritizing academic studies is crucial for any full-time student, it is also important to participate in activities beyond the university curriculum, as these activities might provide unexpected benefits.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic in tone.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly identifiable. However, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne advantage of participating in extra-curricular activities is the opportunity it provides for students to develop their social skills.
This revision provides a more formal and academic tone.
RevisedEngaging in non-academic activities can also aid students in self-discovery.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more formal tone.
RevisedLastly, engaging in sports as part of extra-curricular activities promotes a healthy lifestyle.
"Lastly" is more formal and appropriate for an academic essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn other words, by joining various clubs, students can make new friends and develop their teamwork skills.
The revised sentence corrects the vague reference and provides a more precise expression.
RevisedIt is important for full-time students to learn effective stress and anxiety management strategies, especially during exams.
The revised sentence is more precise and uses a more formal tone.
RevisedParticipating in any form of physical activity might help reduce stress levels, thus promoting overall health and well-being.
The revised sentence corrects the missing preposition and provides a more precise expression.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. There is a good use of less common and idiomatic vocabulary. However, there are a few instances of informal language that should be revised.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn conclusion, while prioritizing academic studies is crucial for any full-time student, it is also important to participate in activities beyond the university curriculum, as these activities might provide unexpected benefits.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic in tone.
RevisedTherefore, students should proactively seek their passions, as extra-curricular activities often facilitate this journey.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses a more formal tone.
RevisedFor instance, a friend who was a history major discovered his talent in chess through his involvement in a chess club and subsequently decided to pursue a career in chess teaching.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic in tone.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the use of personal examples in some parts of the essay is slightly informal.
Suggestions
- Avoid using personal examples.
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