Students and other activities: IELTS Task 2 essay #10, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
337 words. Marked by Axiom on 13 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2337 words
Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, it is crucial for individuals to allocate their time efficiently, and it is said that students who study full-time ought to expend most of their time on learning, however, they should also be engaged in various types of activities. I absolutely agree with this notion in terms of advanced intelligence and overall growth as well.
There are many reasons why I think that spending a lot of time on learning is important. Precisely, when students expend their most time on studying, they are able to reduce the amount of time allocated to other activities, which limit them to study more. Therefore, they have enough time to learn different kinds of subjects, leading to expanding their knowledge in any field. As a consequence, the more experience they gain, the more well-educated they become.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe primary reason is that it promotes advanced intelligence.
The revised sentence provides more context and is more precise.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis means they can explore a variety of fields instead of being limited to one.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
However, if they were to participate in other events, they can guarantee the chance of fostering their overall growth. To be more exact, they can have social experience, since they strike up a conversation with others, making the opportunity to make friends. Moreover, they can also share different ideas with each other, which is the framework of opening a lot of doors to share the same tastes among individuals. Thus, it ensures them to look at the world from a different angle as they communicate with people who both have similar character and totally opposite ones as well. As a result, not only can students develop new talents by dealing with different situations, but also they are able to broaden their horizon, being improved in each field.
In conclusion, most individuals state that students who study full-time distribute a great deal of time to study, at the same time, they ought to be engaged in various activities.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn my opinion, it is vital for full-time students to dedicate a majority of their time to their studies in order to become well-educated and broaden their horizons.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. Clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Make sure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedNowadays, efficiently allocating time is crucial for individuals, and while it is said that full-time students should devote most of their time to learning, it is also important that they engage in a variety of activities.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition between the two ideas.
RevisedIn conclusion, while most agree that full-time students should dedicate a significant amount of time to their studies, it is also important for them to be engaged in a variety of activities.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay contains a few grammatical errors that affect clarity and readability. For example, "they can try variety of fields instead of being limited on one sphere" should be "they can try a variety of fields instead of being limited to one. " Paying attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe primary reason is that it promotes advanced intelligence.
The revised sentence corrects the incomplete clause.
RevisedThis means they can try a variety of fields instead of being limited to one.
The revised sentence corrects the preposition usage.
RevisedIn my opinion, it is vital for full-time students to expend most of their time studying in order to be well-educated and broaden their perception.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of language with a variety of vocabulary, but there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "they can guarantee the chance of fostering their overall growth" could be rephrased as "they can facilitate their overall growth." Improving lexical precision and variety will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve overall readability.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe primary reason is that it promotes advanced intelligence.
The revised sentence provides more context and is more precise.
RevisedThis means they can explore a variety of fields instead of being limited to one.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
RevisedIn my opinion, it is vital for full-time students to dedicate a majority of their time to their studies in order to become well-educated and broaden their horizons.
The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the importance of full-time students allocating their time effectively for both academic and personal growth. The writer presents a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples and by ensuring that each point is fully developed. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully develop your arguments and provide specific examples to support your points.
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