Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #6, band 6.5

In our modern age, part of inhabitants' lives consists of money and thinking more about how to become a millionaire. In my opinion, it is a negative development for certain reasons.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn our modern age, a significant part of people's lives is focused on money, and there is an increasing preoccupation with becoming a millionaire.

   The revised sentence is more natural and accurate in terms of word choice.

To begin, one of the main reasons why it has become a crucial topic is related to the cost of products or basic needs. Initially, people start overthinking about it, and in many situations, the consequences may be worse. For instance, if individuals cannot achieve their goals, they may get depressed, especially men because they are heads of the family, and they are responsible for fundamental needs. Additionally, these days, the number of goods is high-priced, so under no circumstances should they work hard and apply for at least two jobs to obtain high levels of wages to cover basic needs, resulting in many drawbacks, including but not limited to, mental health issues and lack of attentiveness. For example, if they have a lot to pay and work alone without any help from relatives or if nothing works, it may occur that they lose confidence in themselves.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor instance, if individuals are unable to achieve their goals, they may experience depression, particularly men who are the heads of their families and are responsible for their family's basic needs.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity and precision of the statement.

Another reason is social media. There are a lot of celebrities who showcase their luxurious lifestyles; most of them share photos and videos of their expensive cars, clothes, and moments where they are delighted, all of which attract many people, particularly teenagers. For instance, they frequently scroll through their social media and see these types of successful bloggers and desire to be like them. However, they do not have a chance to work somewhere, so they will make money in a bad way, such as stealing expensive items from home and selling them, resulting in destroying their lives and spoiling their behavior.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAnother contributing factor is the influence of social media.

   The revised sentence provides more context and is more specific, which helps to improve clarity and precision.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, lacking other opportunities, they may resort to illegal means to make money, such as stealing expensive items from others and selling them, which can lead to a destructive path and deteriorate their behavior.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity and precision of the statement.

In conclusion, because of high prices and many famous people, people start overthinking about money a lot, which causes bad consequences, as mentioned above.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, the rising focus on money due to high prices and the influence of celebrities can lead to negative consequences, as discussed above.

   The revised sentence provides a more clear and direct conclusion, and the phrase 'as discussed above' helps to link back to the points made in the essay.