Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #8, band 6.5

It is often claimed that conversation about money is increasing dramatically. This is due to the growth of cost of living and showcase of luxury life through social media. However, I do believe that this trend has a positive development such as promotion of financial literacy and learning set realistic and achievable goals.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, I believe that this trend has a positive impact as it promotes financial literacy and encourages the setting of realistic and achievable goals.

   The phrase 'has a positive development' is awkward and should be replaced with 'has a positive impact'. Additionally, the phrase 'learning set realistic and achievable goals' is awkward and should be 'learning to set realistic and achievable goals'.

In modern day, people’s chats about money are growing and one of the reason is cost of living. These days, costs of basic needs such as food, healthcare and education are rising. Some people work every day but still cannot cover these daily needs therefore, it causes consideration between people how they can earn enough money to live comfortably. Thus, they always talk about how to earn money. Another cause can be showcasing in social media. Now almost all people are online platforms’ users. So they watch videos about luxurious life every single day and this can lead to more passion about earning money to live in their dream life. As a result, as individuals’ lifestyle, environment and inclination are the same, they engage in conversations about money.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn the modern day, discussions about money are increasing, primarily due to the rising cost of living.

   The sentence is a bit awkward and unclear. It can be revised for better clarity and coherence.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAs a result, they are constantly discussing ways to earn money.

   The original sentence is a bit too direct and can be rephrased for better coherence.

Nevertheless, in my opinion, this trend has a significant positive role in people’s life. Due to conversation about money, speakers should follow daily news and broadcasts about cash. They may interest in how cost of products is increasing or businessmen are becoming rich or causing bankruptcy. From these kind of information, they can increase their literacy about money. Additionally, young people can learn managing their financial issues, saving money and investing in something useful. Moreover, people who talk about money can learn setting realistic goals. By contrast, nowadays, individuals are more intelligently than past because in the past, talking about money or listening between people felt uncomfortably. However, now teenagers spend most of their time on social media and watch news all around the world mostly about money and business or listen people talking about money. Therefore, they can see how people achieved something that all people did not think that it is achievable. It can be huge example and motivation to set realistic goals for young generation.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFrom this information, they can enhance their financial literacy.

   The phrase 'these kind of information' is awkward and should be 'this information'. Additionally, the phrase 'increase their literacy about money' is awkward and should be 'enhance their financial literacy'.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedMoreover, people who discuss money can learn to set realistic goals.

   The phrase 'people who talk about money can learn setting realistic goals' is grammatically incorrect and should be 'people who discuss money can learn to set realistic goals'.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIt can serve as a significant example and motivation to set realistic goals for the younger generation.

   The phrase 'huge example' is awkward and can be replaced with 'significant example' for better clarity. Additionally, 'young generation' should be 'younger generation' for more accurate word choice.

To conclude, nowadays, individuals’ conversation related to money is rising because cost of living is increasing day by day also, online platforms showcase them luxurious life. Many people can argue that talking about money causes negative thoughts. Nonetheless, I think that it is beneficial to boost financial literacy and learn setting realistic and achievable goals.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, the rising conversations about money can be attributed to the increasing cost of living and the portrayal of luxurious lives on online platforms.

   The sentence is a bit long and confusing. It can be revised for better clarity and coherence.