Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 7.0

Nowadays people put money as a top priority because of their culture and social media platforms. It has negative effects on people’s mental health and can cause to social isolation.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIt has negative effects on people’s mental health and can lead to social isolation.

   The revision corrects the grammatical error ("cause to" is not a correct construction).

Firstly, social expectations influence individual behavior and life goals. In many cultures, financial success is viewed as a key indicator of person’s wealth and capability. Society often equates wealth with intelligence and hard work. This creates an environment where people feel that they have to gain financial status to respected and admired. As a result, people feel strong pressure earn more and spend more, beyond their means, just to gain approval. This can cause stress and sense of failure if they are not able to meet these standards.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne significant factor is the influence of social expectations on individual behavior and life goals.

   This revision provides a clearer transition to the point being made.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn many cultures, financial success is seen as a key indicator of a person's wealth and capability.

   The revision provides a more natural and commonly used phrasing.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis creates an environment where people feel they have to achieve financial success to be respected and admired.

   The revision provides a more natural and commonly used phrasing.

Secondly, social media significantly intensifies the pressure to appear wealthy. Platforms such as Instagram, Tik tok and You Tube are filled with influencers showcasing expensive cars, designer clothes, exotic vacations and luxurious houses. These posts are often unrealistic, but they make people believe being successful means having a lot of money and expensive things. Even if these post’s do not show a real life, people may feel that they need live the same. This can cause to people compare themselves with and feel unhappy with their own lives, because they think they are not successful or good enough.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedEven if these posts do not depict real life, people may feel the need to live similarly.

   The revision provides a more natural and commonly used phrasing and corrects the grammatical error ("need live the same" to "need to live similarly").

These feeling can lead to serious problems. This pressure has negative effects on mental health. Constant comparison with other’s life, can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, feeling of inadequacy and even depression. People may feel no matter how hard they try they are not achieving enough. As a result, over time this dissatisfaction with their own financial situation can lead to mental health problems such as chronic stress and substance abuse. Many people may develop unhealth copying mechanisms such as overworking, overspending and withdrawing socially, which makes worse their overall well-being.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThese feelings can lead to serious problems.

   The revision corrects a minor grammatical error ("feeling" to "feelings") and provides a clearer transition to the point being made.

Social isolation often results from this materialistic mindset. When people prioritize money and possession over human connections, relationships become more superficial. Friendships may be based on status or financial benefits, rather than emotional support and loyalty. When people more care about money and things than real friendships, it becomes difficult to build strong and honest relationships. Eventually, people may feel loneliness and disconnection, which make they worse.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhen people value money and possessions more than real friendships, it becomes difficult to build strong and honest relationships.

   The revision provides a more natural and grammatically accurate phrasing.

In conclusion, while people work to be appeared as a wealthy person and gain approval from their cultures, it can cause social isolation and mental health problems.