Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
324 words. Marked by Axiom on 23 November 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2324 words
Peaple increasingly talk about money. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development?
It has become mainstream to talk about money today.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe frequent discussion about money could be attributed to the rising costs of daily products.
The revised sentence is more clear and direct.
Lexical resource
RevisedI firmly believe that discussing money is a positive development as it can enhance people's financial awareness.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more appropriate verb.
In other words, if the prices rise on daily products, this might lead people into financial scarcity, like they might not be able to purchase on their everyday needs, thus complaints start to emerge. For example, in Kazakhstan, in January 2023, officials introduced new changes in costs on gasoline, and the price was risen by 13% from its former cost. That increase in the costs of fuel led inhabitants of Kazakhstan to protest against authority, and Kazakhs filmed that incident on social media in order to show how the rise in costs was torturing them.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe increase in prices of daily products is compelling people to discuss money more frequently.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Learning and gossiping about rich people's business trips can help us understand how to deal with money and be rich like them. For example, my brother and his friend circle talk only about money, especially about someone's life who succeeded financially. I once eavesdropped on their conversation; they were gossiping about our multimillionaire neighbor, Jack's, trek in business; it says that he always saved 15% of his income in the bank, 20% of his budget invested into the stock market every month, and the rest of the money went to charity and to his own needs. Eventually, my brother and his friends followed that route for about two years and ended up being millionaires as Jack.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedTalking about money can increase an individual's financial literacy.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the increase in cost of daily products has made conversations about money more common.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedFurthermore, I believe that these discussions are crucial for enhancing our financial well-being.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more appropriate word for 'conversations'.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas.
- Ensure that your examples are directly relevant to the point you are making.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe increase in prices of daily products is compelling people to discuss money more frequently.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
RevisedTalking about money can increase an individual's financial literacy.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
RevisedIn conclusion, the increase in cost of daily products has made conversations about money more common.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay has a mix of simple and complex sentences and there are few grammatical errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be rephrased for clarity.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe frequent discussion about money could be attributed to the rising costs of daily products.
The revised sentence is more clear and direct.
RevisedI overheard their conversation; they were gossiping about our multimillionaire neighbor, Jack's, business ventures.
The revised sentence is more clear and uses a more appropriate word for 'gossiping'.
RevisedIt is said that he always saved 15% of his income in the bank, invested 20% of his income in the stock market every month, and the rest of his money went to charity and his personal expenses.
The revised sentence is more clear and uses a more appropriate phrase for 'it says'.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedI firmly believe that discussing money is a positive development as it can enhance people's financial awareness.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more appropriate verb.
RevisedIn terms of impact, discussions about money can enhance an individual's financial literacy.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more appropriate word for 'chats'.
RevisedFurthermore, I believe that these discussions are crucial for enhancing our financial well-being.
The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more appropriate word for 'conversations'.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. The essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments.
Suggestions
- Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
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