Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 6.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
250 words. Marked by Axiom on 24 April 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2250 words
People increasingly talk about money. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?
There is a growing trend where money becoming main concern of people due to the higher competition in both career and life. Although this trend contributes to faster self-growth because of competitive life, it is more likely to be negative, as there are more important priorities than money.
It is widely acknowledged that working and living in our contemporary world are highly competitive. For example, in Uzbekistan, to work in a bank and get enough wage means to compete with at least five new employees, and knowing even one more unnecessary language compared to them guarantees the workplace. This results in the number of individuals who pursuit earnings, albeit having higher academic knowledge, coupled with numerous skills.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSimply put, many people are now applying for jobs that offer a decent salary.
The original sentence was awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revision provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedAs a result, money is often the primary focus for most people.
The original sentence was awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
As a result, people become impolite, careless, or even backstabber, thanks to the widespread attention to money.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAlthough the competitive atmosphere in jobs and life can lead to rapid self-improvement, prioritizing wealth over other important aspects of life, such as love, can be a misguided decision.
The sentence was a bit confusing, and the use of 'it' was unclear. The revision provides a more coherent and concise version of the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedWhen individuals prioritize wealth above all else, the dynamics in their relationships can suffer, leading to tension with loved ones.
The original sentence was unclear and the use of 'heat' was awkward. The revision provides a more accurate and natural expression of the idea.
However, we should not prioritize it as a main fraction in life, because there are factors, including love that are more essential.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the competitive environment in our modern world directs our attention to earning profit.
The sentence was a bit awkward and the use of 'it' was unclear. The revision provides a more coherent and concise version of the idea.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reiterating the stance of the essay.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and clearly restate your position.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedAlthough the competitive atmosphere in jobs and life can lead to rapid self-improvement, prioritizing wealth over other important aspects of life, such as love, can be a misguided decision.
The sentence was a bit confusing, and the use of 'it' was unclear. The revision provides a more coherent and concise version of the idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, the competitive environment in our modern world directs our attention to earning profit.
The sentence was a bit awkward and the use of 'it' was unclear. The revision provides a more coherent and concise version of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good control of a wide range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. The essay demonstrates a good control of a wide range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect verb forms that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedSimply put, many people are now applying for jobs that offer a decent salary.
The original sentence was awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revision provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
RevisedDespite the rapid self-improvement benefits of the competitive atmosphere in jobs and life, prioritizing wealth over other important aspects, such as love, can be a misguided decision.
The original sentence was awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revision provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical resource, with a variety of vocabulary used effectively. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedAs a result, money is often the primary focus for most people.
The original sentence was awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more natural and accurate expression of the idea.
RevisedWhen individuals prioritize wealth above all else, the dynamics in their relationships can suffer, leading to tension with loved ones.
The original sentence was unclear and the use of 'heat' was awkward. The revision provides a more accurate and natural expression of the idea.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the examples provided could be more specific and relevant to the topic.
Suggestions
- Ensure that your argument is fully developed and supported with specific examples.
- Make sure that the examples you provide are directly relevant to the topic and effectively support your argument.
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