Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 6.5

In the last years, money has become one of the most contentious topics in the whole world. Today's consistently rising living costs can be the primary reason for this. According to some, it may lead to some detrimental consequences, such as a high level of materialism and social pressure. However, well-formed financial literacy, I believe, can be the main positive outcome of discussing a lot of financial issues.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAccording to some, this could lead to detrimental consequences, such as increased materialism and social pressure.

   The revised sentence is more natural and uses a more precise structure.

Nowadays, nearly a large part of people said that talking about financial statuses or just money has become a ubiquitous condition among nations. Continuous increasing living expenditures cost is considered the main reason for this. Because most people should cover their basic needs, like housing, food, healthcare, and others. Not only do they respond to only their own necessities, but also they have to care about their own relatives, such as parents, wife, and children. Thus, they try to make a massive budget with full potential focus. As a result, it leads to being talkative person about money unconsciously. And, they may start to discuss financial issues in any situation, maybe at work, study, small or colossal gatherings, or another, if they meet like-minded people. Additionally, it is started suddenly if they have an orthodox view about money.

According to some, people should try to avoid arguing and thinking about money as much as possible, as it may cause to change nation’s mindset. For instance, if a person who thinking or talking in extended hours in their daily life, his or her notions may transform to another side, namely, their measurements about life. They may start to value all circumstances by financial side. It is called "Materialism," namely, looking all thing with financial income eye. Thus, it can be the main reason social pressure. As looking all thing like financial aspect may create some conflict with surroundings, even siblings or friends. As a result, they mayisolate from society. It is the worst-case scenario.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedSome people argue that discussing money should be avoided, as it may lead to a change in the nation’s mindset.

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and the linking word 'as' is used more appropriately.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThey may start to value all aspects of life from a financial perspective.

   The revised sentence is more clear and uses more precise language.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis can lead to the worst-case scenario.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the previous idea.

When it comes to my view about money, overthinking does not have only negative effects, it has some advantages. I can say ‘well-formed financial literacy’ as a perfect example since any knowledge, included financial knowledge, it may be social, political, or another, is improved by learning a lot and discussing in some educational gatherings. Unless they have enough financial notion, they have a huge propensity to make wrong decisions. They may be making harmful contracts to their budget or making an incorrect buying or selling choice. If they improve their own thought step by step, they can analyze own decision’s economic sides. Thus, they can prioritize future plans. These can be the optimum upside of thinking and holding financial life.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIf they improve their financial thinking step by step, they can analyze the economic aspects of their decisions.

   The revised sentence is more clear and uses more precise language.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis allows them to prioritize their future plans.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the act of prioritizing plans.

To conclude, while the cost of living needs is the main factor to some financial debates, some people think that it leads to materialistic mindset and social isolation. However, from my perspective, discussing about money in lots of meetings helps to aware financial literacy, and it can be reason to underestimate its downsides.