Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
321 words. Marked by Axiom on 26 June 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2321 words
People increasingly talk about money. why is this? is it a positive or negative development?
Nowadays, it is becoming common for people to talk about money.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThe reason behind this is that it is human nature to want to increase one's income, which can have negative effects on both the mental and physical health of society.
The revision corrects the use of the gerund after 'human nature' and the use of the adverb 'badly' before the noun 'effects'.
They think how to make their salary’s amount bigger, or how save their money, as almost everything right now can be bought with these sheets. Also, human being’s instinct has always been like that: no matter how much they have, they will always try hard to earn even more.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIndeed, people are often preoccupied with money, which has come to be a central concern in many individuals’ lives.
The revision provides a more formal and academic tone.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFor instance, money is often required to meet basic human needs.
The revision provides a clearer and more direct way to express the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, many millionaires enjoy a luxurious life and strive to increase their wealth for the benefit of their future generations.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
No matter how money is important in our daily lives, there are still negative consequences of talking about it too much. There are plenty numbers of examples, such as forgetting about sleep schedule while working hardly, skipping meals and not getting enough sunlight as some people work at night and sleep during the day. Additionally, this action will cause them to lose their important values. People will lose the sense of happiness, and forget their dreams which they made while they were young, as money becomes prioritized in their lives.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedBy constantly worrying about income and expenses, they often sacrifice many important things, especially their health.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThis can lead to health issues such as insomnia and an increased risk of diabetes, especially for those who work night shifts.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, the increasing preoccupation with money, due to its perceived necessity for survival, is a reflection of our innate desire for more.
The revision provides a more formal and academic tone, and the use of 'innate' is more precise in this context.
Lexical resource
RevisedIt will significantly impact people’s well-being, as it has effects on both physical and mental health.
The revision corrects the misuse of the preposition 'on' after the verb 'affects' and removes the unnecessary 'in' before 'effects'.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and providing a clear final thought.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to link all the ideas in a paragraph to the main point of the paragraph.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIndeed, people are often preoccupied with money, which has come to be a central concern in many individuals’ lives.
The revision provides a more formal and academic tone.
RevisedFor instance, money is often required to meet basic human needs.
The revision provides a clearer and more direct way to express the idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, the increasing preoccupation with money, due to its perceived necessity for survival, is a reflection of our innate desire for more.
The revision provides a more formal and academic tone, and the use of 'innate' is more precise in this context.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, but they do not impede communication. The essay uses a variety of complex and simple sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free of grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of incorrect verb forms and sentence structures that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe reason behind this is that it is human nature to want to increase one's income, which can have negative effects on both the mental and physical health of society.
The revision corrects the use of the gerund after 'human nature' and the use of the adverb 'badly' before the noun 'effects'.
RevisedBy constantly worrying about income and expenses, they often sacrifice many important things, especially their health.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
RevisedThis can lead to health issues such as insomnia and an increased risk of diabetes, especially for those who work night shifts.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe underlying reason for this trend is our human nature, which constantly seeks ways to increase income.
The revision provides a more accurate and natural way to express the idea.
RevisedIt will significantly impact people’s well-being, as it has effects on both physical and mental health.
The revision corrects the misuse of the preposition 'on' after the verb 'affects' and removes the unnecessary 'in' before 'effects'.
RevisedFor instance, many millionaires enjoy a luxurious life and strive to increase their wealth for the benefit of their future generations.
The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the reasons behind the increasing focus on money and the potential negative effects on society's mental and physical health. The writer takes a clear position and maintains it throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the essay could provide more specific examples to support the points made.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences in the paragraph support that idea.
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