Talking about money: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 5.5

In our modern age, part of inhabitants life consist of money and think more how to become a millionaire. In my opinion, it is a negative development for certain reasons.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn our modern age, part of people's lives revolves around money, and they often think about becoming a millionaire.

   The revision provides a more coherent and grammatically correct sentence.

To begin, one of the main reason why it has become a crucial topic related to the cost of products or their basic needs. Initially, they start overthinking about it, and in many situations the consequences may be worse. For instance, if individuals cannot achieve their goals, they ma get depression, especially men because they are head of the family, and they are response for fundamental needs. Additionally, these days, number of goods are high-priced, so under no circumstances shuld they work hardly and apply for at least 2 jobs to obtain high levels of wage to cover basic needs, resulting in many drawbacks, including but not limited to, mental health issues and lack of attentiveness. For example, if they have a lot to pay and work alone without any help by relatives or if nothing works, it my occure to loss confidence in themselves.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTo begin, one of the main reasons why this has become a crucial topic is the rising cost of products and basic needs.

   The revision provides a more coherent and grammatically correct sentence.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThey often start overthinking it, and in many situations, the consequences can be severe.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural collocation.

3. Lexical resource

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   Revisedthey may experience depression, especially men who are the head of the family and are responsible for the basic needs of the household.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural collocation.

4. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor example, if they have a lot of expenses and work alone without any help from relatives, or if things don't work out, they may lose confidence in themselves.

   The revision corrects the verb form and provides a more accurate and natural collocation.

Another reason is social media. There are a lot of celebrities, who shocass their luxurious lifestyle, most of them share photos and video of their expensive cars, clothes and monets where they are delight, all of which attract many peoples, particularly teenagers. For instance, they frequently scrolling their social media and see these types of successfull blogers, and desire to be like they. Hovewer, they do not have a chance to work somewhere, so they will make money in a bad way such as stealing from home expensive items and sale it, resulting in destoying life and the behaviour will be spoiled.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAnother factor contributing to this is social media.

   The revision provides a more coherent and grammatically correct sentence.

In conclusion, because fo high prices of things and famous person a lot, people start to overthinking about money a lot, which occure bad consequences, which mentioned above.