Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 5.5

A lot of attention is paid to education of students, while some argue that the government should allocate more cash to extracurricular activities for youth. I think that the government should give priority to youth education. Because education gives successful future and solving problems.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedMany people believe that while significant attention is given to student education, the government should also allocate more funds to extracurricular activities for youth.

   The term 'allocate more cash' is informal and may not be suitable for an academic essay. The revised sentence uses more formal language.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedBecause education not only paves the way for a successful future, but also equips individuals with the skills to solve problems.

   The original sentence is unclear and awkward. The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation.

Nowadays, many people go to night clubs, entertainment parks and also they are scrolling the social media for having a rest. But this is not useful, because people are wasting their precious time. The main reason is that, when students study different subjects, but they spend more time to their other activities. It leads to distraction in education and then students start to fail exam and they cannot achieve their future goals. I am an example of this myself. I used to go dance course and i paid more attention this activity but i had english course then i did not go there after that i failed my main exam. I could not become a teacher in my class.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, this is not productive as it leads to the wastage of time.

   The revised sentence uses a more formal and precise language.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe main reason is that, while students do study different subjects, they tend to spend more time on their other activities.

   The use of 'but' is not appropriate in this sentence. 'While' would be a more suitable choice to express a contrast between studying subjects and engaging in other activities.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedI can relate to this on a personal level.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer connection to the following explanation about the author's personal experience.

However if the government should spend more money for education system it will be great for students to achieve their ambitions. Because students study hard, they have some opportunities for example, if juveniles well-educated they may have lucrative jobs. This contributes not only to personal growth, but also to reputation of the country. The second reason is that solve problems. When people are study a few subject whatever they want, their horizons are broaden and solve problems related to education, like mathematic, different languages. it is beneficial to society.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis not only contributes to personal growth, but also enhances the country's reputation.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe second reason is that it helps to solve problems.

   The original sentence is incomplete and unclear. The revised sentence provides a more coherent explanation of the second reason.

To conclude, although free-time activities are more better than education for example, go to the parks or other activity is scrolling the Internet for taking a break, education is the best way to achieve their intention.