Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #7, band 6.5

A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.

227 words. Marked by Axiom on 15 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

Task 2227 words

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is an opinion that the education of the students is overly emphasized, and the government needs to spend more money on leisure activities of young individuals. While I agree that authorities pay too much attention to the eduction, I strong oppose the notion of spending more money on free time activities.

Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedWhile I agree that authorities are overly focused on education, I strongly oppose the idea of spending more money on leisure activities.
The revision corrects the typo 'eduction' to 'education' and improves the strength of the author's opinion is expressed.

The government should allocate money for leisure activities such as sports equipment because if they are going to focus on spending money to it, more student encouraged to be healthy and fit. So it can be stimulative to them to start more time for resting and focusing on themselves rather than education. Moreover, stress levels in students would be lower and they could focus better on their studies.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedThe government should allocate money for leisure activities such as sports equipment because this focus can encourage more students to prioritize their health and fitness.
The sentence is revised to improve the use of cohesive devices and make the argument clearer.
Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedMoreover, this could reduce stress levels in students and improve their focus on studies.
The sentence is revised to improve coherence and make the connection between the two ideas clearer.

It can be motivating and healthy to the students if state will invest more money on sports , but when it comes to other activities, for instance, video games, movies and time-killer apps. Not only is it going to affect to their mental health negatively, but also decline interest to their studies. On top of that, students are addicted to those time-killers which is why they show worse academic perfomance.

Lexical resource
Close revision note
RevisedIt would not only negatively affect their mental health, but also decrease their interest in studies.
The revision corrects the use of the double negative and improves the accuracy of the language used.

Instead of focusing on developing leisure activities, the governance should prioritize education. Due to the fact that administration need the intelligent nation more than a sporty one. The more smart nation became, the stronger country’s economy.

Coherence & cohesion
Close revision note
RevisedInstead of focusing on developing leisure activities, the government should prioritize education.
The sentence is revised to correct the use of the term 'governance' and ensure consistency.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedThis is because the administration prefers an intelligent nation over a sporty one.
The revision corrects the awkward phrasing and the structure of the sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Close revision note
RevisedThe smarter the nation, the stronger the country's economy.
The revision corrects the awkward phrasing and the structure of the sentence.

Score?

Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.

Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.

What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.

Coherence & cohesion

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the argument less clear. Additionally, there are some issues with coherence, as the connection between ideas can be weak or unclear.

Suggestions

Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
Make sure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent and appropriate.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedThe government should allocate money for leisure activities such as sports equipment because this focus can encourage more students to prioritize their health and fitness.
The sentence is revised to improve the use of cohesive devices and make the argument clearer.
RevisedMoreover, this could reduce stress levels in students and improve their focus on studies.
The sentence is revised to improve coherence and make the connection between the two ideas clearer.
RevisedInstead of focusing on developing leisure activities, the government should prioritize education.
The sentence is revised to correct the use of the term 'governance' and ensure consistency.

Grammar & accuracy

Band 6.0/ 9

The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, punctuation and spelling. However, these errors do not generally impede communication. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and there is a good range of grammatical constructions. However, there are some errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling, which can detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedWhile I agree that authorities are overly focused on education, I strongly oppose the idea of spending more money on leisure activities.
The revision corrects the typo 'eduction' to 'education' and improves the strength of the author's opinion is expressed.
RevisedThe smarter the nation, the stronger the country's economy.
The revision corrects the awkward phrasing and the structure of the sentence.
RevisedThis is because the administration prefers an intelligent nation over a sporty one.
The revision corrects the awkward phrasing and the structure of the sentence.

Lexical resource

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices, which can detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Sentence revisions 3

RevisedThe government should allocate funds to support leisure activities such as sports equipment. This focus can encourage more students to prioritize their health and fitness.
The revision corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the accuracy of the language used.
RevisedIt would not only negatively affect their mental health, but also decrease their interest in studies.
The revision corrects the use of the double negative and improves the accuracy of the language used.
RevisedFurthermore, students' addiction to these time-killers can lead to poor academic performance.
The revision improves the accuracy of the language used and the formality of the tone.

Task response

Band 7.0/ 9

The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The conclusion could also be strengthened by summarizing the main points and restating the position more clearly.

Suggestions

Include more specific examples to support the argument.
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points and restating the position more clearly.

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