Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
280 words. Marked by Axiom on 17 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2280 words
Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
These days, students’ education is in the spotlight with too much emphasis whilst governments should also think of allocating money for extra time activities for youngsters. Though education provides the foundation for a future career and is essential for a country's development, it is also beneficial to acquire social skills and increase physical wellbeing. I agree that the government should hold the balance between investing in both sides.
On the one hand, . Firstly, strong foundational education allows individuals to access better job opportunities and contributes to a higher standard of living. Additionally, educated citizens tend to innovate and update, benefiting society as a whole. Because of it their economic prosperity is high. But the general idea of teaching students is to make citizens well-informed and can make decisions about the subject.
Grammar & accuracy
Revisededucation is the key to securing a bright future in one's chosen occupation and contributing to national development
The term 'severe' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses a more suitable term.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor instance, countries like Germany and Japan, known for their robust education systems, boast a highly skilled workforce.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent expression.
So, extracurricular activities are necessary for students to make them more sociable and healthy. Moreover, studying constantly puts pupils under pressure. Yet, not to get burnout from studies students can work on themselves by joining volunteering classes.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, the acquisition of social skills and physical well-being goes beyond the confines of traditional education.
The revision provides a more formal and academic tone.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedParticipating in free time activities such as volunteering and sports gives students the opportunity to explore their interests and develop self-awareness.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and eliminates the redundancy.
Lexical resource
RevisedSuch skills are cultivated when students participate in extracurricular activities.
The term 'evolve' is not typically used in this context. The revision provides a more suitable term.
So that the government needs to hold the balance between investing to both sides.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while education equips students with the necessary knowledge for their future careers and contributes to national development, I maintain that free time activities are of equal importance.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your conclusion fully summarizes the main points of your essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedI reiterate my stance that both education and free time activities are crucial.
The revised sentence is more formal and precise.
RevisedConversely, the acquisition of social skills and physical well-being goes beyond the confines of traditional education.
The revision provides a more formal and academic tone.
RevisedIn conclusion, while education equips students with the necessary knowledge for their future careers and contributes to national development, I maintain that free time activities are of equal importance.
The revised sentence is more formal and academic.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are free from grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that could be revised for clarity. For example, "Because of it their economic prosperity is high" could be rephrased as "This contributes to their high economic prosperity."
Sentence revisions 3
Revisededucation is the key to securing a bright future in one's chosen occupation and contributing to national development
The term 'severe' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses a more suitable term.
RevisedFor example, countries with strong education systems, such as Germany and Japan, have a highly skilled workforce.
The revised sentence includes the correct article 'a' before 'highly skilled workforce'.
RevisedParticipating in free time activities such as volunteering and sports gives students the opportunity to explore their interests and develop self-awareness.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and eliminates the redundancy.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised for clarity. For example, "access better job opportunities" could be rephrased as "pursue better job opportunities," and "update" could be replaced with a more precise term such as "innovate."
Sentence revisions 3
Revisededucation is the key to securing a successful future in a chosen occupation
The term 'severe' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses a more suitable term.
RevisedFor instance, countries like Germany and Japan, known for their robust education systems, boast a highly skilled workforce.
The revision provides a more natural and fluent expression.
RevisedSuch skills are cultivated when students participate in extracurricular activities.
The term 'evolve' is not typically used in this context. The revision provides a more suitable term.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places. The essay addresses the topic by discussing the importance of both education and extracurricular activities and arguing that the government should balance investment in both areas. The writer presents a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed in places, and the essay could provide more specific examples to support its points.
Suggestions
- Ensure that you fully develop your argument and provide sufficient detail to support your points.
- Consider providing more specific examples to support your argument.
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