Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.5

In recent years, the importance of education among students has increased, resulting in increasingly high premium put on their education. However, there is a view that a higher portion of money from the government should be channeled to revitalizing spare time pursuits tailored for young people. I partially disagree with this approach for a couple of factors although it holds validity to support it.

The arguments for allocating high volume of money by the governing entities for making young people’s free time more recreational with distinct activities vary. For one, focusing solely on the education realm sometimes might leave little to no opportunity to foster positive spirit among children. The absence of such spirit might disproportionately affect further mental and physical development of youngsters. The role of recreational activities is considered to be substantially high in such scenarios, reinvigorating a sense of cooperation and friendship. In this case, the method employed in Finland can be taken as a sound example. At early ages, children are supported from both spiritual and physical sides with various pursuits in their free time. Such development has led rapid advancements in the education domain of the country, making it top country in this sphere. Therefore, many people support the view of financing children’s free time activities rather than their further education.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThere are varying arguments for allocating a high volume of money to make young people's free time more recreational with distinct activities.

   This revision makes the sentence more concise and clear.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAt an early age, children are supported in both their spiritual and physical development through various activities in their free time.

   This revision corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity of the sentence.

Nonetheless, the essence of the education system should be put above all other things (prioritized). This is primarily because in many parts of the globe the main segment of population is constituted by adults, meaning that they cannot benefit from the development of spare time pursuits customized for young people. In this case, well-developed education system proves beneficial in the long run. Senior citizens of states can have opportunities to study, a development that yields progress not only for states’ economy, but also literacy rates. More precisely, the more knowledgeable persons countries house, the higher these countries are ranked across the world. Such high positions, for sure, come in handy in many aspects, such as attracting high flow of income from different parts of the world through the work prospects. Thus, paying much attention to educational state of one country proves more beneficial in the long run.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedA well-developed education system, in this case, proves to be beneficial in the long run.

   This revision improves the flow of the sentence by rephrasing it.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedMore precisely, the more knowledgeable the population of a country, the higher the country is ranked across the world.

   This revision corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity of the sentence.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThus, giving greater attention to the educational state of a country proves to be more beneficial in the long run.

   This revision improves the word choice and makes the sentence more formal.

In conclusion, even though the provision of children with effective spare time activities may bring some benefits such as revitalization of companionship and friendship among young people, I believe that countries can gain more benefits from high scale of investment in education.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while providing children with effective spare time activities can bring some benefits, I believe that countries can gain more advantages from a high scale investment in education.

   This revision makes the sentence more concise and improves the flow.