Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #12, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
313 words. Marked by Axiom on 20 December 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2313 words
Too much emphasis is given for education for the young. More government money should be spent on free time activities of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree
In today’s fast-paced world, academic education holds a great importance. However, some educational experts believe that students are having inadequate time for hobbies because of excessive study. Although, spending a big amount of time on academic learning can reinforce a student’s academic performance and cultivate disciplined behavior, it has more detrimental effects, depriving them of hobbies and causing mental exhaustion.
From an educational point of view, this development can sharply improve young people’s academic development, as a great emphasis is given to particular subjects. With students focusing solely on such subjects, they can develop a robust understanding about them faster, and this in-depth understanding, in turn, can eventually lead to a prosperous career. As such educational curriculum requires students to work consistently on their academic assignments, they can develop a determined mentality through strict rules in academic institutions.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedUndoubtedly, placing a greater emphasis on solely academic learning can offer some benefits.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the new idea.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedFrom a psychological perspective, students can be fostered a disciplined mentality through non-stop studying.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the idea.
Nevertheless, too much focus for the education of young generations can cause harm more than good.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFirstly, with such a non-stop learning regime in educational institutions, students could not find time for their spare activities that can contribute to mental relaxation and enjoyment.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and the use of the phrase 'their spare time activities'.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis can lead to boredom towards studies and eventually result in a decline in young individuals’ academic performance.
The revised sentence provides a more appropriate phrase choice.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFurthermore, the excessive learning environment can also lead to mental exhaustion, which may turn into a serious health issue, given that our brain may find it difficult to handle the heavy academic pressure.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and the use of the phrase 'our brain functioning'.
In conclusion, indeed consistent learning in academic institutions can robustly improve students’ academic knowledge and foster disciplined mentality, but these positives are pale in comparison to its negatives. With eliminating the time for engaging free-time activities and leading to psychological stress, strict and excessive learning can cause a declined academic excellence and health problems
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and related to the topic. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas.
- Ensure that your paragraphs have a clear central topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedUndoubtedly, placing a greater emphasis on solely academic learning can offer some benefits.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the new idea.
RevisedFrom a psychological perspective, students can be fostered a disciplined mentality through non-stop studying.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, consistent learning in academic institutions can significantly improve students' academic knowledge and foster a disciplined mentality.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAlthough spending a significant amount of time on academic learning can reinforce a student’s academic performance and cultivate disciplined behavior.
The revised sentence corrects the use of the article 'a' and the plural form of 'amount'.
RevisedFirstly, with such a non-stop learning regime in educational institutions, students could not find time for their spare activities that can contribute to mental relaxation and enjoyment.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and the use of the phrase 'their spare time activities'.
RevisedFurthermore, the excessive learning environment can also lead to mental exhaustion, which may turn into a serious health issue, given that our brain may find it difficult to handle the heavy academic pressure.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and the use of the phrase 'our brain functioning'.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedFrom an educational point of view, this approach can significantly enhance young people’s academic development.
The revised sentence provides a more appropriate word choice.
RevisedThis can lead to boredom towards studies and eventually result in a decline in young individuals’ academic performance.
The revised sentence provides a more appropriate phrase choice.
RevisedIn conclusion, indeed consistent learning in academic institutions can greatly enhance students’ academic knowledge.
The revised sentence provides a more appropriate word choice.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be more concise and focused.
Suggestions
- Consider revising the introduction to make your position more clear and to directly address the question.
- Make sure to have a clear and focused thesis statement in your introduction.
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