Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 8.0

Some people consider that the government allocates too many resources to formal education, underinvesting in extracurricular activities. I partly agree with this opinion and think that even though quality education is the backbone of prosperous society, governments should not underestimate the importance of sports, arts and crafts in upbringing healthy and well-rounded individuals.

The primary reason why governments should invest more in extracurriculars is the development of skills and qualities in students that are not particularly tied to academic education. Playing sports, for instance, ticks several important boxes. Firstly, it helps students to enhance their social skills. Students involved in team sports, like basketball or football, learn to communicate, strategize, and support one another to achieve a common goal. It has been noticed that such students even develop higher levels of empathy, contributing to the overall enhancement of communication skills. Moreover, physical activities are known to reduce stress and anxiety among students. Whereas academic preparation is essential, it puts a lot of pressure on young individuals, and physical activities can be a good way to help students manage stress better.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe primary reason why more investment in extracurriculars by the government is necessary, is the development of skills and qualities in students that are not inherently tied to academic education.

   The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection between ideas.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedPlaying sports, for instance, fulfills several important roles.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more accurate expression.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile academic preparation is essential and can be stressful for young individuals, physical activities can provide a beneficial outlet for stress management.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more clear and concise expression.

Additionally, participation in after-school activities can result in positive changes in society.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedFurthermore, the participation of students in after-school activities can bring about positive changes in society.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection to the following ideas.

While there are many well-off students, whose parents can hire them a private tutor outside the school, there is also a great number of underserved schools, where children from less privileged families study. With the additional help from the government students from low-income areas will receive opportunities that cannot be provided by their families. Thus, , children participating in government-funded programs can explore their talents without worrying about any additional expenses. I believe that such approach will result in bridging socioeconomic gaps, leading to better social cohesion.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedWith the additional support from the government, students from low-income areas will have access to opportunities that their families may not be able to provide.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and effective word choice.

In conclusion, while education plays a crucial role in lives of young people, providing them with the necessary academic knowledge and practical skills, there are a lot of other important skills and qualities that can be developed through participating in free time activities, therefore making them extremely beneficial for young individuals.