Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #8, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
394 words. Marked by Axiom on 23 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2394 words
Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Education of students is getting extremely high attention and resources, and more government subsidies should be allocated to free time activities for young generation. While I admit that focusing on free time activities have merits, I agree with the idea of putting emphasis on the literacy of students.
Leisure time activities offer students a chance to take a break from a hectic lifestyle. However, this pressure can cause students serious problems such as anxiety and depression. Therefore, free time activities can help students to relax and refresh their minds, which increases productivity and efficiency. Besides, engaging in free time activities can improve the physical well-being of students. Busy learners do not tend to have time for doing regular exercises or moving frequently, as they mainly pay attention to their studies. This sedentary lifestyle can potentially worsen their health. By contrast, by doing free time activities such as playing basketball or soccer, students can prevent diseases which result from the lack of movement.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe benefits of free time activities should also be considered.
The revised sentence is more in line with the following content.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt is evident that students often carry a heavy workload, investing significant time and energy into their studies to achieve academic excellence.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
This is primarily because education is the backbone of a successful government system. In some countries, there is a shortage of experts in fields ranging from medicine to law. Additionally, having improved education systems can keep people from moving to other countries in the search of better studying opportunities. Many individuals leave their home countries in favor of a world-class education available in other countries.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, I am of the view that greater emphasis should be placed on students' education by the authorities.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the new argument.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis can, in turn, lead to a diminished quality of life for the population, as they lack experienced specialists in various fields.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear explanation.
Lexical resource
RevisedBy investing in students' education, governments can produce well-educated specialists, thereby creating high-quality services for the people.
The revised sentence corrects the misuse of the singular form and provides a more clear explanation.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIf countries improve their education systems, they can retain these individuals, thereby preventing brain drain.
The revised sentence corrects the word order and provides a more clear explanation.
In conclusion, some think that education is getting the majority of emphasis, and that the more emphasis should be put on free time activities. Although merits of leisure time activities, such as relaxation and improved physical well-being, should be taken into consideration, I believe that education should be invested more, as it offers a number of benefits, including competitive specialists and preventing brain drain.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. "The benefits of improving free time activities should be acknowledged." - This sentence is a bit confusing as it seems to suggest that more emphasis should be placed on these activities, which is not the case in the following sentences. "Nevertheless, I believe that more attention should be paid to the education of students by authorities." - This transition is a bit abrupt and could be smoother.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your arguments are presented in a clear and logical order.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe benefits of free time activities should also be considered.
The revised sentence is more in line with the following content.
RevisedHowever, I am of the view that greater emphasis should be placed on students' education by the authorities.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the new argument.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay shows a good control of a range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be rephrased for clarity. "It is obvious that students tend to have a heavy workload, spending a high amount of energy and time towards achieving academic excellence." - The phrase "spending a high amount of energy and time towards achieving academic excellence" is a bit awkward and could be rephrased for clarity. "Many individuals leave their home countries in favor of a world-class education available in other countries." - The phrase "in favor of a world-class education available in other countries" is a bit awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedIt is evident that students often carry a heavy workload, investing significant time and energy into their studies to achieve academic excellence.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
RevisedIf countries improve their education systems, they can retain these individuals, thereby preventing brain drain.
The revised sentence corrects the word order and provides a more clear explanation.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. "This, in turn, can lead to poor quality of life for the population, as they lack experienced specialists in various fields." - The phrase "as they lack experienced specialists" is a bit awkward and could be rephrased for clarity. "By investing in the education of students, governments can raise well-educated specialist, creating high-quality services for the people." - The word "specialist" should be used in the plural form in this context.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThis can, in turn, lead to a diminished quality of life for the population, as they lack experienced specialists in various fields.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and clear explanation.
RevisedBy investing in students' education, governments can produce well-educated specialists, thereby creating high-quality services for the people.
The revised sentence corrects the misuse of the singular form and provides a more clear explanation.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be improved to better introduce the topic and the writer's position. The essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments. For example, the discussion on the benefits of free time activities could be enhanced by providing examples of how such activities have been implemented in other countries and the outcomes of these initiatives.
Suggestions
- Consider revising the introduction to more clearly state your position.
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
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