Education or free time for the young: IELTS Task 2 essay #9, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
271 words. Marked by Axiom on 23 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2271 words
Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Too much attention is provided for students study . Principals should spent more money on leisure activities of youth . While this argument provide some benefits , I completely disagree with statement for several reasons .
For instance , principals can provide some sport centers to children for honing their physical skill. Additionally , they also can provide some entertaining places, including musical or dancing schools to spend their time beneficially . By taking these measures, government will make their young citizens busy.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, I admit that not all children are engaged in education and therefore, the government has to consider the needs of these children as well.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
Lexical resource
RevisedFor these children, the government can create opportunities for them to spend their time productively.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocationally accurate.
Since education is more crucial than spare time activities , government should pay attention on more necessary stuff . For example , government can build up a number of libraries , it creates a great opportunity to study more for young generation . The next example would be , spending money for enhancing school quality can attract students to study more . For instance , by providing laboratories for chemistry in school , children can see number of different reactions , which attracts almost every single individual . As a result , it creates a willingness to study more .
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, I completely disagree that more money should be allocated to leisure activities than to education.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
To sum up, considering free time activities is essential for some , government should not spend more money in it rather than education .
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the argument less clear. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and reiterating the stance on the issue.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points and reiterate your stance on the issue.
Sentence revisions 3
Revised$Too much attention is given to students' studies.
The correct phrase is 'given to' when talking about attention or focus.
RevisedOn the one hand, I admit that not all children are engaged in education and therefore, the government has to consider the needs of these children as well.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
RevisedOn the other hand, I completely disagree that more money should be allocated to leisure activities than to education.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise, improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures, but there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay uses a variety of complex grammatical structures with a good level of accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors in grammar and punctuation that could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the use of contractions (e.g., 'can't', 'don't') is inconsistent, and the essay would benefit from a more formal tone throughout.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedToo much attention is given to students' studies.
The correct phrase is 'given to' when talking about attention or focus.
RevisedOn the one hand, I admit that not all children are engaged in education, and therefore, the government has to consider the needs of these children as well.
The revised sentence corrects the punctuation and is more natural and accurate.
RevisedOn the other hand, I completely disagree that more money should be allocated to leisure activities than to education.
The revised sentence is clearer and more concise, improving the overall accuracy of the essay.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, with some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedPrincipals should spend more money on leisure activities for youth.
The correct phrase is 'spend money on' when talking about spending resources.
RevisedFor these children, the government can create opportunities for them to spend their time productively.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocationally accurate.
RevisedOn the other hand, I completely disagree that principals should allocate more money to leisure activities than to education.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocationally accurate.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed, and the essay could provide more specific examples to support the points made. Additionally, the use of 'you' in the prompt is a bit informal, and the essay would benefit from a more formal tone throughout.
Suggestions
- Ensure that your argument is fully developed and supported with specific examples.
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